Fuck Off 2012!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I’m writing this while sitting on the top bunk of a sleeper car room on a Chicago bound Amtrak train. It’s Christmas. The first Christmas I’ve spent as a single man in 4 years. While I could be spending this time being reminiscent of the love that I had and lost, my mind is elsewhere.

2012 has been an interesting year. I had come to view this year as the year that everything ended. The world did not end as predicted (surprise) but it seems like it’s been a year for many people to say goodbye to important parts of their lives and learn to deal with what those endings mean. Change was a major theme this year, and I certainly wasn’t spared from that.

While I look back and remember the year of endings, I also have to remember the other huge changes that have occurred. I am officially a P90X grad! I know I am supposed to post a blog dedicated to my completion of that goal, but time got in the way. For the first time in my life I am happy with my body! It’s not “perfect” but I feel damn good about myself. I’m starting Insanity on January 1st and can’t wait to see the progress I make over those 60 days!

I also found a new level of independence this past year. Obviously I was forced to find independence following the break up, but I was amazed at how easily that came. I learned to limit myself a little better regarding who I trust. I had a major struggle, but came out the other end a more confident and more guarded person. I am so excited to start exploring new parts of myself in the months to come and following my move.

So here we go... saying goodbye to another year. A year that started out with great promise, but led to more struggle than I’ve faced in a very long time. So fuck off 2012! Bring on 2013, a year of new beginnings, of new cities and new adventures with new friends, of a renewed and recharged me.

Something Amazing Happened...

Something amazing happened the other day. I posted that picture of myself on this blog and it started a chain reaction of huge shifts in the way I am feeling about life.

I posted the picture (read my previous blog if you haven't already!) and a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt fantastic about myself, and I did that all by myself. I'm the one who pushed play, I'm the one who committed myself to getting in shape and succeeded. The first time I did P90X was 3 years ago, I was single and had the drive to get 2/3 through the program on my own. During the 2.5 years I was in a relationship we tried as a couple to get fit several times, but always failed. I did it on my own now.

Being with Gilbert was a huge hit on my confidence. I didn't deal with his success very well, and he didn't deal with what his local fame did to me very well. We were both unfair to each other when it came to this topic, but the end result for me was greater insecurity.

Since he broke up with me I've spent my time being angry with him, feeling rejected by my friends, and feeling sad about where my life has led me. Posting that blog changed everything. I realized I've always been better without Gilbert. He may have made me happy, but I've always been a better person when I wasn't in a relationship with him. Realizing this made all the negative feelings wash away. I'm no longer mad at him. I'm no longer sad about where my life is. I'm actually really happy with where I'm at. I can't wait to move, make new friends, and start dating again. My confidence has flocked back to me in ways I've never experienced before.

It's cheesy, but I feel like a new person. One without the emotional baggage from my past. A person who is sure of himself and ready for the next adventure that's just beyond the horizon.

Just something quick.

Okay. So I have a call back today. This will be a challenging call back for several reasons, but I'm forgetting those for a few seconds to post a blog on something else.

It is day 75 of P90X. Today I did Legs and Back for the second to last time. All these workouts are still really challenging, which is great! I'm honestly going to miss this program when I finish!

But given that I'm only slightly over 2 weeks from being finished I'm not going to delve too much into how its going or how I'm feeling. Instead I'm going to do something that is honestly a huge step for me.

The first time I did this program I kept saying I'd post results pics, and I never did. I was never confident in how things were going. Even this round I've been hesitant, my old insecurities still swarming around my head. Today, while getting ready in the mirror I was able to overcome those insecurities. So today I post my first results picture from P90X! This isn't about what the program has done for me as of right now, this is about me finally overcoming a huge problem I've faced for far too long. I'm happy. :-D!

2 more weeks to go, and my fitness journey doesn't stop there! Here I come Insanity!!

Day 56

Well here's another update on P90X. Today is the rest day for my rest week of Phase 2, meaning tomorrow I start the final phase of P90X!

I'm still loving the program. It's keeping me motivated, and I'm finding it really easy to do the workouts every day. Pushing play has become a habit for me now. So far the only time I've been disappointed in myself was last Friday. I pressed play and gave it my best, but it wasn't good enough. My head was killing me, I was exhausted from the week, and as a result I started to get really light headed while doing the workout. I wasn't able to finish the video. I gave my best, and decided not to linger too long on my failing. Woke up the next day feeling refreshed and dove right in.

As far as results go, I've realized that this program isn't going to give me the body I've always dreamed of, but it's definitely a start on a longer process. I haven't noticed much muscle mass being put on, but I'm definitely noticing toning all over. All that annoying squish is vanishing. haha. Definition is popping up in some really exciting places, but I'll save the details for when I finish.

I feel like the reason the muscle isn't coming is because of my diet. Over the past phase especially I haven't been eating as well as I should. I haven't been eating enough to really pack on the muscle, and it hasn't been as healthy as it could be. Still am on my no-cow-dairy kick, and loving it. Once I finish the program I'll reward myself with a pizza and a beer at Il Vicino, but then it's right back to no dairy. I think I've decided to make dairy something I have a few times a year.

So, going into phase 3 I'm setting new rules for myself. I'm dropping sweets and alcohol. There are two exceptions I'm making for this. The first is Thanksgiving, I will allow myself one glass of wine, and one slice of pie. The following night I have a plan with friends to go out clubbing. I'll allow myself to drink some that night, but nothing crazy, no need for extra carbs. Beyond these two days I am booze and sugar free! I'll also be making more of my meals, and making sure I have healthy snacks for the in between.

So here we go! Final phase of P90X. If in the end I can't say that I have the body I've dreamed of, I know I'll at least be able to say I feel healthier. My mind is in a place where working out everyday is a must. I'm so excited to be able to say I completed this program. Don't know what the plan is right after though. I may have to actually join a gym! doh!

The song. This time.

When Lee and I ended things I came to find comfort in a song but Kurt Elling called "Time to Say Goodbye". I wrote a blog about it, and that song became the source of my mentality when it comes to heart ache. While the message still resonates with me right now, I didn't find the same comfort in it that I once did.
I've always found music to be one of the most powerful forces in my life. I find a sense of calm in it that I can't find anywhere else. The right combination of chords can set the tone for my day, week, or month. For some reason this song is having a profound effect on me right now. I haven't figured out what it all means to me, but it definitely echoes what I'm feeling.
I get to a place where I'm happy, where the world feels at balance and I feel like I settle in to what my life is at this point. Yet something always comes around to remind me of my struggles. I feel like so much of what I used to find comfort in has been lost, and at times it's all I can think about.
There is the beauty in life that has always been there, I see it frequently, but I forget it's there from time to time and allow myself to be overtaken by the negative.
My last significant breakup was less of a struggle than this one, I didn't lose as much when everything was said and done. So it makes sense that the song that helps me find my way out is less directly positive. The Velvet Goldmine is a source of hope for me. All will be well, just have to let time and life run its course.

p.s. I apologize for yet another seemingly downer blog. I tend to not express negative emotions in my interactions with those around me. My blog offers me an avenue in which to convey the emotions I don't feel comfortable conveying. I am doing well, I just occasionally need a way to let my struggles be known.

Maize Maze

Here's the updated list once again! This past weekend I went to the McCall's Haunted Corn Maze. I had never been before but always heard of it so it quickly made it onto my NM Bucket List. I tagged along with Amanda and several of her friends. Which was a great idea because only enjoy these things when others are getting scared, and they provided plenty of entertainment! The highlight of the night though was John (A-Mo's Boyfriend) telling all of the employee's A-Mo's name so they could personalize their scares. I tried to get some pictures, but it the lighting was pretty horrible (but not as horrible as my phone's camera).

Our group's wrist bands, A-Mo's is the one cutting off all blood to her hand... woops.

 The line to get into the Haunted Barn

 A not so nice picture of A-mo and I

 A group picture outside of the maze

So scary!

In the end it was a really nice night! I'm so happy Amanda invited me to tag along! I'm slowly making my way through my list. 

Day 28

I am at home enjoying my last rest day from Phase 1 of P90X. As I said in an earlier blog, I am not going to be making a huge deal about this program as I have in the past, but I am pretty proud of myself today. I haven't missed a single workout, and haven't shifted the schedule around at all!

As I said... I'm really proud of myself! I'm taking my result pictures of course, but I'm holding off on posting those for the time being. But I will say I am feeling great! I'm noticing some definite changes in my energy levels and physical appearance.

Tomorrow I start Phase 2. I've made it this far in the program once before, but I did not have the focus I have now. I will finish it this time, and I'll feel fantastic when I do.

Balloon Fiesta!

Alrighty! Another NM Bucket List Goal done! For those of you who are following, I will be updated my list as I go along. I'll link every time to the original list!

This week was Balloon Fiesta. Since it's been years I decided that I needed to go. Several years ago my family had gone to the balloon fiesta and I joined a chase crew for a balloon owned by one of my dad's co-workers. After talking with A-mo, who told me she had always wanted to go on a balloon ride, I decided to see if my dad could get me in touch with his co-worker.

I reached her and we all decided that this past Wednesday would be the best possible day for us to be able to ride! I was so thrilled, what a perfect way to spend my last year at balloon fiesta!

Unfortunately when the time finally came things didn't work out. The weather had been too bad several days before and they weren't able to fly. Which meant all of their sponsors got bumped to the day we were supposed to fly. While I was disappointed, it didn't ruin the day. I had a fantastic time just wandering around the park with A-Mo. It made me realize that while I'm getting anxious for my move, there's still a lot NM has to offer. It's been my home my whole life, I shouldn't discredit it so quickly. I'm super excited to explore the rest of my bucket list. I have a feeling it'll make me appreciate this place a lot more.

And we ended the morning by going to the Range and getting some Huevos Rancheros! Given that this day was part of my NM Bucket List I decided I had to go with Christmas!

Haunted corn maze is next!

Updated NM Bucket List. Updated 5/21/13

Alright, So I'm moving to Chicago in 269 days. I had posted my NM Bucket List a few months ago, but as things have changed the list had to be updated. I put the ones I've finished in red. Some of these require trips to accomplish, so if you wanna join me for those let me know and we'll start planning!

1. Cook dinner with my dad at their home in Santa Fe
2. Take a cooking class at Annapurna
3. Old Town Ghost Tour
4. Hike/Camp in Chaco Canyon
5. See The NRAO Very Large Array
6. Warm springs in Jemez at night
7. Camp in the Jemez 
8. Carlsbad Caverns, see the bats leave at night
9. White Sands
10. Bandelier National Monument
11. Roswell Alien Museum 
12. Spend some time in Taos and eat at Guadalajara Grill
13. Have lunch and a "Lava-Lamp" on the patio at the Coyote Cafe
14. Ride the Tram
15. Hike the entire La Luz Trail
16. Drive through Madrid at Christmas Time
17. Go to the Balloon Fiesta, try to be on a chase crew.
18. Haunted Corn Maze
19. Zozobra
20. See an HN-88 show. 
21. Hang out with my High School friends. 
22. Visit Capital High School, mostly the Brian Fant Theatre.
23. Spend several evenings at the river with people I love.-Started
24. Spend several evenings at the Golf course with people I love -Started
25. Go to service at Christ Lutheran Church in Santa Fe- Started
26. Find a perfect place for stargazing/Stargaze often -Started
27. Find a perfect place to see the sunsets/Make many trips to see the sunsets -Started
28. Eat green chile as often as possible and in as many different ways available. -Started 
29. Ski Santa Fe in autumn with my Parents -No Ski Lift this year... Failed
30. Compete in the Alibi’s Scavenger Hunt. -Didn't check the date... Missed it. Failed.

Decisions Made, Action Taken.

Chicago, my future home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless about moving to a new city where I really have very few connections, but it's time, and this is the right place. I've always loved Chicago. The atmosphere, the people, it's all exactly what I need in a big city! Add into that my sister living out there and it's hard to think of anywhere else I should be living. As of right now I have no clue what I'll be doing out there for work, or where I'll be living, but that'll come with time.

It'll be good to leave behind Albuquerque. I need to be able to live my life fully, and for the past 2 months I haven't felt able to. So many of the people I love in this town are busy with activities I can't partake of, or they've already moved away themselves. Recently I've had a lot of time on my own, which tends to be dangerous, but I'm keeping my eyes on the future! I'm ready for a clean slate, ready to make new friends, ready to see what places outside of New Mexico can offer.

I've made the decision to not do any more theatre in 2012. I think this is a necessary break for several reasons. I'm not going to make a big deal about it like I have in the past, but I started P90X this week. Third time's the charm, right? So if you talk to me in the next 3 months, ask if I've done my workout for the day yet. Keep me motivated! haha. Additionally, I'm taking the time to focus on trying to get a cabaret together. So far it's been slow moving, but I'm finding new songs that fit what I'm going for. Hopefully I'll get it off it's feet before I leave.

As I keep saying, I'm doing alright. I'm not fantastic, and each day carries it's own struggles, but I'm alright. I want to thank the amazing people who have really been there for me over the past 2 months. Joe, Christy, Amanda, Antoinette, Dea and John, you guys have meant so much to me. Even if it seems like you haven't done much, being reminded of my friends who still care about me has been huge. I hope I can one day return the favor when you're in need.

More blogs to come, I will keep on top of this blog thing if it kills me!

Proven Wrong

I'm not a very confident person. I don't think I'm all that attractive, I know I come off as a jerk when people first meet me, and I know I suck at small talk making it difficult for new people to begin to enjoy my company... Every once in a blue moon though (perfect use of this saying), something happens that forces me to forget all of that.

 This weekend was one of those times. I started off feeling very alone, it was my first time traveling being newly single.  I had to drive several hours on my own, was left alone for the majority of the first day to explore some of Denver on my own, and went to the lottery for Book of Mormon on my own. Was pretty rough... I had some great times with some folks I haven't seen in a while, but afterwards I was left alone again.

Then I landed in Boulder. Dea and I had sadly grown apart over the past few years, which is something that happens when friends move apart. More significantly however, this is something that can happen when one friend loses sight of his priorities, and how important it is to hold onto the important friendships that made him who he is. I'm sorry for that. But amazingly enough, things fell right back into place!!!! It was so amazing to hang out with Dea and Ryan again! 

The second night I was in Boulder, my hosts had to work a drag show taking place at the theatre they worked for, being that I had nothing else to do in Boulder I went along to watch the show. This quickly turned into the best decision I could have made shortly after a break up.

We showed up several hours early as they had to set up before the show. I sat with my Nook on one of the couches in the lobby. Pretty soon the volunteers for the organization producing the show began to show up... and ERMAGERD there were some lookers in the bunch! I didn't move at first and one of the cute volunteers sat down next to me, thinking I was a volunteer as well. I told him I wasn't and that I should move to let them have the couches. This led to us chatting for a while until it was clear I needed to let the volunteers get briefed on what they'd be doing. 

I moved to a different area of the lobby and ended up having a really nice conversation with Ryan which proved to me that I wasn't alone in feeling like I had no clue what I was going to do with my BA in theatre, made me feel much better for that! Every time I'd look back to where the volunteers were sitting I'd either catch eyes with the guy who I had talked to, or I'd catch a pair of really cute guys looking at me and talking to one another. 

The night carried on in basically the same way the entire night. I met several guys, flirted like crazy, and all in all had a night that made me feel spectacular about myself. I rarely feel attractive, but being in a new crowd of gay people (and looking pretty slick I must admit) made me feel like I was a catch!

I kept talking to that first guy throughout the night. When the night was coming to an end he came up to me, said goodnight, that it was nice to meet me, and left. Dea, who was with me, said she was disappointed because she thought for sure he'd have tried to at least go out for drinks with us afterwards. I agreed with her, but ultimately wasn't too upset. I lived far away so there wouldn't be anything serious between us anyways. I was just so thrilled to have spent the entire night knowing that guys find me attractive!

A few minutes later he came back in, walked right up to me, and asked for my number. A few hours after that a date was planned and I had officially been proven wrong. I am attractive, I can come off as a really sweet but timid guy, and when needed I can make small talk that makes people enjoy being around me and want to get to know more. I'm happy being me, and this all couldn't have come at a better time! 

Moving forward. Moving on.

I'm getting there. Every day I'm feeling better and better about where I'm at with this whole break up thing.

Currently I'm sitting in John and Arielle's living room in Denver. It's been a long time since I drove up here on my own. While it would have been nice to have someone along for the ride, it helped me to re-realize that I can do okay on my own. The whole process is working to get me ready for my move.

So I'm giving myself deadlines! As I said in the last blog, on June 22nd I will be moving. I haven't decided where yet, but I'm going to set a date that I have to decide by, December 22nd. I figure six months with a city in mind will give me enough time to get ready for the move!

I'm honing in on a more specific purpose for this blog. As soon as I do these simple updates will become less of what this blog is about. So stay tuned! Hopefully this will be an entertaining read again soon!

Mostly just wanted to put some dates out there in the universe with this one! Off to explore Denver!

Picking Up the Pieces

When I started this blog a few years ago I said that I wouldn't use it for negative posts, or mopey posts, and to some degree I've fallen into that again. Given my most recent situation it's understandable, but even before that I had some downer posts. This blog may have some degree of that, but this will be the of it's kind.

So I've moved. Joe opened up a room to me and I moved in a week ago. I'm all set up but not settled. I'm still getting used to being in a bed by myself. Add into that all of the dreams I keep having about Gilbert breaking up with me all over again and you have a pretty difficult past week. It's just the struggle of moving forward, and I know I'll get over it, but for now... it kinda sucks.

I started my school job again last week! So two jobs are now occupying the majority of my time, couldn't have happened at a better time. No shows in sight as of now, but they'll come! I'm also planning trips to Chicago and Denver to try and figure out where I wanna ultimately move.

I've set a moving date. June 22nd. I have to move by that date or earlier. I decided that if I don't set a date to work towards I'd keep coming up with reasons to not move yet.

I have so much opportunity in front of me, and I honestly am excited to see where life takes me! I'm sad I'll be doing it on my own again, but I guess that just means there's more opportunity for a different future.

So that's where I'm at these days. Working on becoming optimistic about the road ahead, and getting better at it every day. I have been so lucky to have amazing friends and parents to support me, definitely made this life shift significantly easier.

So thank you all! The next post will be much more positive. I promise!

A Change of Plans

I watched a movie recently called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. In it a character says "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." I've come into a struggle as of late and I've chosen to take this on as my mantra to get through it.

Gilbert and I have broken up, and while my heart is in pieces on the floor, I'm trying to be positive. The time finally came for us to face the fact that we couldn't give what each other needed. There were other problems that lead up to the final moments, most of which I'll accept the fault for, but the biggest issue that always waited for us to face was that.

We're ending on really good terms. He's my best friend, I'd hate myself if I ruined our friendship. It's going to take a while to get back to it, but I know we'll still be close when all is said and done.

I wouldn't give up the past 2.5 years for anything. I had an amazing time, made some amazing memories, and learned some surprising things about myself. Most notably that I am capable of truly opening up to someone.

I will always love Gilbert. I will always think back fondly to the incredible adventure that our relationship was. I have a hard few months ahead of me, picking up the pieces when your life falls apart is never easy, but I know I'll be the better for it all in the end. Gilbert has changed my life.



For you Bany. I hope you find happiness. You're destined for some amazing things, I can't wait to be there cheering you on as you achieve your dreams. Thank you for giving me the time we had together.

My Goodbye NM list!

Alrighty folks! I'm leaving NM in a little less than a year and I had the thought "I need to do everything essentially New Mexican before I go!" I asked for your suggestions, and here is the list! This can alway be added to, but for now this is what I've got!

1. Go to Worship at CLC in Santa Fe
2. Bandelier National Monument
3. Carlsbad Caverns, see the bats leave at night
4. White sands, 
5. Warm springs in jemez at night
6. Ski Santa Fe in autumn with my Parents
7. Pie Festival, Pie Town, NM.
8. Spend some time in Taos and eat at Guadalajara Grill
9. Get a green chili burger from Bobcat Bit
10. Zozobra
11. Roswell Alien Museum
12. Camp in the Jemez
13. Go to the Balloon Fiesta, try to be on a chase crew.
14. Have lunch and a "Lava-Lamp" on the patio at the Coyote Cafe
15. Sopapilla Burger at Casa De Benevides on the patio
16. Compete in the Alibi’s Scavenger Hunt
17. Try to eat an entire Travis at K&I Diner
18. Old Town Ghost Tour
19. Hike/Camp in Chaco Canyon
20. See The NRAO Very Large Array
21. Find a perfect place for stargazing
22. Stargaze often
23. Find a perfect place to see the sunsets
24. Make many trips to see the sunsets
25. Eat green chile as often as possible and in as many different ways available.
26. Cook dinner with my dad at their home in Santa Fe
27. Hike the entire La Luz Trail
28. Ride the Tram
29. Spend several evenings at the river with people I love
30. Spend several evenings at the Golf course with people I love 

So there we go! Several of these involve eating meat, so Gilbert and Jessica will be the ones enjoying those. I'll find something else to eat the the restaurants suggested! I have already finished two of these goals, and I will do a new post detailing that experience soon! But this is the list. Thank you guys for helping me. I'll be posting a blog for each one I finish.

Oh What A Night.

An awkward evening leads to a blog post. Probably not the best state of mind to be posting a life update, yet here I am.

Legally Blonde is over, and I'm gonna miss it. I had hoped that Legally Blonde would be a sort of "comeback", and while it did give me that sensation for a great deal of the time I learned by the end that I'm not "there." I had 2 performances where I'd say I was thoroughly unhappy with the work I did. Both times I'm accrediting to illness of some sort, but they were still situations that I was clearly unprepared for as a performer. So, still work to be done there.

At the end of this I'm left questioning myself, once again. And with New York 1 year away I'm beginning to panic. Is this the right path? Is New York really where I should be going? Am I really good enough to make this my career? If I'm not, what do I do then?

I have come to accept that I'm going through a "Quarter-life Crisis." I will be the first to admit that the entire concept is rather silly, and yet I feel it's an adequate way to express my state of mind. I'm 2 years out of college and I am no closer to having any sort of clue what my life will be. Everything feels uncertain and lacking permanence.

I'm stressed, and am sadly taking it out in ways I shouldn't. I'm being far too dramatic for my own good these days, and poor Gilbert is having to deal with it all. Hopefully I'll find a solution soon... Though this is an odd occurrence. I at least have to find a way to deal with it healthier.

So here's the deal, I missed my April blog, so I owe 2 this month. So I will post again before the month is out, but it will be a more positive post. I will not wallow in this mood forever, and I will not subject the people who care enough about me to read this blog to that.

D'OH!!!

As Dea pointed out on Facebook... I failed in my goal of posting every month... Crap! So here's March's blog 1 day late.

LEGALLY BLONDE!!!!
My life is consumed by 2 jobs and a show, but I'm really enjoying it! Legally Blonde is looking like a really amazing production. The cast is so strong that it was destined to be a great show from the beginning. I've also felt more accomplished in this role than I have in any role since RENT. I'm loving it, and am actually excited for people to see it. My voice lessons with Donna continue to be a huge help as well. All this can be summed up by saying that I feel I'm becoming a strong performer again. I've been doubting myself for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to be confident in what I'm doing. The major change this time is that I know my limits a bit more, and understand that I'm not perfect. High School gave me an inflated opinion of myself, and college along with the years that followed has helped to rid me of that.

Next we have work! Only a few weeks more of the Tax job, which is gonna make things a little financially rough. I've been pretty good about saving since I've started working the second job. And while it eliminates any free time, saving needs to be my focus over the next year. This has led me to the conclusion that I need to have a second job until we leave. I'm going to see if Tomato Cafe will hire me back over the summer, and if they will I'll probably stay there until next tax season rolls around. Don't wanna, but I need the money!

As for the other job, it has it's ups and downs. I love some of the people I work with, but have an ever growing list of problems with a few others. Luckily there are only two more months before I get a nice vacation, followed by a school year that I hope will be much more enjoyable.

Now I'm gonna brag a bit... THIS IS THE BEST YEAR EVER!! I'm officially going on 3 major vacations, and there are talks of another one at the end of the year. Gilbert and I joined my parents and sister (with husband in tow) to New Orleans over spring break. Was so much fun! It was great to spend time with all of them as I rarely see them. Next up is a family trip with Gilbert's folks. We'll be going to Disneyland and Vegas as the end of May. I wasn't sure I could do it, but Gilbert and my parent's basically told me I had to go! So I'm going! And then of course we have Europe in July! So many trips in one year! Truly is the perfect way to spend my last year in NM.

So there we go... My update for now. I haven't worked on developing my cabaret at all, but I've been too busy. However the progress I feel I've made vocally will make it much easier to put it all together.

I will update before the end of April... Otherwise I don't know what Dea will do... O_O

Legally Blonde!

So here's is the promised blog update! Despite the fact that it it mostly useless given that the few of you who actually read this already know the major news.

So yeah, I got Emmett! I worked since last december to be ready for this audition and callback and it paid off. I got the part, and I'm super excited. Given the rough journey it's been for my voice as of late I was actually extremely surprised with how well it performed yesterday at the call backs. Nearly every time I had sang through "Chip On My Shoulder" in the past I've struggled with several things, but yesterday they all disappeared. I found a comfortable place to sing from and ultimately felt really good about how I did. I found a confidence that hadn't been there since the rehearsal process of RENT. It felt amazing!

Now the trick is to rediscover that confidence and keep it through this rehearsal process, and of course on to the show itself. I'm willing myself to keep it up! haha.

But yeah, there's the update! One more win in the battle to overcome my voice issues! This one feels huge. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I'm making a comeback! I'm gonna rock this part, and show everyone that I am a strong performer!

(okay, ignore the stupid self inspirational speech if you want)

1 Week Away.

My Legally Blonde audition is one week away, and seeing as how I'm having a sleepless night I figured I'd make a blog entry.

So one week! My voice lessons have been going pretty darn well as of late! It takes me a bit to get into the groove but once I'm there, I feel more confident and sound better than I have in quite a long time! The only downside to this whole thing is that when I'm alone, or rather just not in a voice lesson, the progress is harder to find. I can sing a song really well in a voice lesson one day and then the next day try to replicate that success with uninspiring results. This scares me as I can't audition for legally blond by having the directors come see me in my voice lesson. I want the part, but I'm also not 100% confident I can earn it, but we'll see! Have one more voice lesson before the big day, hopefully something will stick that I can carry with me into the audition!

Next work... oh work... I have started working for Gilbert's parent's office as a way of supplementing my income. It's been pretty nice honestly. I get to see Gilbert a bit more, and even though we can't really be affectionate there, it's still really nice to be around him. But now that I'm working an evening/weekend job this is what my week looks like:

Mon- Wake up at 6. Shower, Eat, Be to work by 7:30. Finish work at 2:30, drive to other work, arrive by 3:00. Finish around 8. Return home, eat, relax for an hour or two and then hit the hay to repeat for the rest of the week.

If I get into Legally Blonde it'll only get more chaotic as I will go directly from job #2 to rehearsal, then from rehearsal directly into bed. I'm gonna be exhausted by the time March 11th comes around!

However, March 11th will be pretty fantastic! It's my spring break from the APS job and my parents are treating Gilbert, Me, Zoey and Kevin to a trip to NOLA with them!! I'm so excited for this trip fro many reasons, but most of all because it'll be the first family vacation Gilbert and I are taking as a couple with my family! Pretty significant step I must say!

Well... now that I have had a lovely word vomit upon my blog I think I should try to sleep. It's been a long week and I have to work yet again tomorrow. I'm sorry this is pretty unorganized, I'll be posting by Monday the 20th if not before.

My Year, My Voice

Alright, so I've finally come to a decision, and this blog is going to help me stay positive through the struggle ahead.

First a quick overview of the troubles I've been having. A week before we opened for RENT 2 years ago I lost my voice almost entirely. Luckily I was able to get it back in time for the show, though it was never really perfect through the run. Since then I've felt that I'm in a constant war with my voice. From working at a call center when I lived on a steady diet of Riccola, to just not being able to speak after my day had finished. I finally went and saw a speech pathologist last summer who had to retrain me on how to speak. Apparently my speech pattern was damaging my vocal chords making it a real challenge to sing.

Now to today. My speech patter is significantly better, I have very few issues speaking and rarely have issues where speaking becomes a chore. However a new problem has finally become the target of my frustration. I feel like I can't sing anymore. I've never had to think so much about what I'm doing when I'm singing, and yet still not yielding anywhere near the vocal quality I once had. I told Gilbert the other night that without singing I don't really know who I am. Sounds dramatic yeah, but my degree is in (musical) theatre. I've always sang nearly every second of the day, but these days I haven't been enjoying it. One of my new years resolutions was to do more shows than last year, well this voice issue is the major wrench in that plan. So here's my solution:

I'm currently studying with a voice teacher who was recommended by my speech pathologist. I have had the mentality of dreading each lesson and then leaving feeling unsuccessful. I talked with her last time about her apparent frustration at my lack of progress. She told me that she was actually seeing quite a bit of progress, but that she was being extremely careful with me as she understands that I'm relearning how to sing. She doesn't want me falling into damaging habits that will result in worse problems than last time. After this talk I had on of the most successful lessons in years.

So here's the goal. We move to NYC in about a year and a half. before we go I am going to have a put on a cabaret. This means I have 18 months to regain both my ability to sing and my confidence in my voice. In my last blog I said that I will be posting at least once a month here, so if nothing else I will be giving monthly updates on my progress with my voice. My first update regarding this will hopefully be some good news about the auditions for Legally Blonde which is coming up!

Anyways... There's the blog for the day! Here's hoping for a year of great progress and successes!!

Found on Huffpost

So I read Huffingtonpost constantly. It's one of my primary sources for news on several of the issues I find important. I realize it's not exactly balanced, but often these days I am okay with ignoring the GOP's take on issues.

Anyways, I found this article concerning the Pope's New Year's Address.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/09/pope-benedict-xvi-gay-marriage_n_1194515.html

While this is nothing new, (everyone knows the pope is anti-gay, anti-abortion, and anti-contraception) there was one line in particular that disturbed me. A member of the Catholic Clergy sent a letter to Barack Obama's administration stating that legalizing gay marriage would "precipitate a national conflict between church and state of enormous proportions." Now the realization that this brought about shouldn't be anything new,but I guess I just never looked at the argument quite like this.

Abortion was deemed to be constitutionally legal by the supreme court with Roe v. Wade, and yet there is a continued battle to overturn the ruling. States pass laws that limit down the availability while also making the process even more emotionally torturing to the women than it already is. So what's going to stop the same thing from happening once Gay Marriage is legalized?

I have complete faith that within the next 10 years every state in the country will have legal gay marriage. Whether that be from an act from D.C. or the individual states I don't know, but I'm confident it will happen. But given the continued fight to take away the right of abortion,it's safe to assume the christian right will never yield in their fight to keep the gays from being gay.

If full gay marriage is achieved we'll be faced with an onslaught of threats of overturning the law. If/when that fails they will attempt to change gay marriage to civil unions. If that fails they'll begin taking away the marital tax privileges, or modify spousal hospital rights to exclude gays specifically. The list can go on and on.

It's a grim look forward, I know, but I don't think it's unreasonable to assume. Legalized gay marriage will be a huge step forward, and we need to be prepared for a tough fight even after we achieve victory.

Happy New Year!

Wow...

I fail...

6 MONTHS WITHOUT A POSTING! That's worse than I've ever done since creating my first blog.

So here we go, 2012 if here and I'm excited for the possibilities it holds. The past few days have been fairly eye opening and I've had a lot of time to really think about things. Now I'm not one for resolutions, but I think this year I need them. So here they are.

#1.
I'll start this one with a list:

1. I'm the biggest push-over in the world.
2. Stealing this one from Dea: I love Team Awesome...Bitch! I'm so happy I have a group of theatre friends again!!!
3. For the first time ever I'm living in a place I don't consider home.
4. Music is my greatest passion, my goal in life is to find someone with the same tastes in music as me.
5. I rarely ever miss people after not seeing them for a while. If I say I miss you it means you're special.
6. I never liked wine until Dea and her alcoholic ways showed me the light... I love my wine buddy!!!
7. I've been a vegetarian for over two years now, and plan to continue being one until I'm told by a doctor to stop for health reasons.
8. I've still never once been high. Hadn't been drunk until a week after my 21st birthday.
9. I think dark hair and blue eyes is the hottest combination a guy can have.
10. I love being in a relationship, but am way to picky to settle down.
11. My first gay experience was at the age of twelve, yet it still took me four more years to accept that I'm gay.
12. For the first time since high school I have a fag hag, NOW I HAVE TWO!!!!
13. Most people think I don't like them when they first meet me. It's not that at all, I'm just shy!
14. I can't think of a single person I personally know that I can say I truly "hate".
15. Despite the many things I say I dislike about myself, I'm very proud of who I am and what I've done with my life so far.
16. I had to think way to hard to come up with 16 facts about myself.

These are 16 Me Facts that I wrote in Dec. 2008. Reading through those made me realize that I'm not too happy with how I've changed in the past 3 years. Team Awesome is gone, which is old news. But I really do miss having that group of friends! It was something amazing and made for little time to be bored. I am now in a spectacular relationship with Gilbert who I love more than anything. I don't feel like I have a fag hag anymore... I definitely miss that presence in my life. There are people that I've started saying I hate. And then comes #15 on the list... I think this is what I've lost the most. My pride has greatly diminished, dragging my confidence down with it. Looking at this list makes me realize that I was a lot more confident and ultimately happier 3 years ago. So my first resolution is to get back to that! I miss this mentality! I'm still fairly easy going, but there's something missing now. I'm going to spend this year finding it, and enjoying every second of life again!

#2.
This is the one I posted on Facebook. I want to do more shows. Reflecting on 2011 made me realize that I had only done 1 show the entire year. I had vocal issues and travel plans that seemed to put a damper on my usual life choices. This year, I'm working through them all to be in several shows! The first on my radar is Legally Blonde! Emmet here I come!

#3.
At the end of 2012, I want to look back and say that I regret nothing from the previous year.

#4.
Just thought of this one now. I will blog at least once a month. About anything! Just so long as this poor blog doesn't get neglected again. I love going back and reading through my old blogs to see where I was years ago.

There we go. 2012 begins. I'm determined to make this the best year of my life, with 2 awesome trips in the work, I just have to hold true to these resolutions and I should be able to achieve it!

If you're reading this and haven't spoken to me in a while, hit me up! Chances are I'd really love to hear from you.