RENT

At first this show was something I wore on my sleeve. A label that I wore with pride, I had snagged my dream role. As the rehearsal process went on it began to morph into something else. It consumed my life, but I was eager to let it. I had never been a part of a show where the cast as a whole did not want to take breaks. Every second of this production was a thrill that we were wanting to hold on to.

And now we're standing at the edge. Tomorrow my part in the show that began changing my life 8 years ago comes to an end. I have never been more confident walking on stage, and yet at the same time I have never been more humbled by the entire experience. Every performance just assures me a I'm doing what I want to do forever. This group of people I've worked with for the past semester has sculpted memories that will stay with me and every person that entered the theatre forever.

As I said in the video blog, this show changed my life when I first saw it. To be able to be that force for other people is something I never thought I would ever experience.

Despite all the drama that may have been thrown our way, I have found my place in an incredible family. I am so proud to have this show be the last one I will be in at UNM, and not because of the title and the character name I will be adding to my resume, but because of the people I have grown close to.

Tomorrow won't be easy. This show will be forever a part of who I am. Thank you so much to everyone involved.

Because I could keep writing forever with no aim I'm going to stop now...

Dear...

So I was going to send this to the person it's about, but I decided against it. If the person it concerns finds it I have no shame about what I wrote, but I didn't see the point in sending it.

I apologize to anyone who doesn't know the situation, but I don't want to elaborate anymore than I already have in the letter below...



So I'm gonna start by saying that this is not prompted by anyone or anythign other than my personal feelings towards the situations that I have been witness to.

Concerning your departure from the RENT cast, it was on ground that I had brought to Kathy. As a director it was her job to see that the rehearsals were conducted in a way that resulted in the best final product. I had gone to her on a number of occasions explaining your unprofessional attitude towards both the cast and the creative team. I was not a part in her final decision but all I can say is that you dug your own grave. Your attitude towards your fellow cast members, outside of the few people that you attempted to drag into your mindset, was horrible. You had no respect for anyone, which was made clear the very first rehearsal. You can try and say that this was you being shy, but I'm being honest with you, so don't lie to yourself or to me. You didn't like us, and you didn't like the role you got in the show.

After the first batch of drama went down I told cast members who came to me about your attitude that we needed to try and deal with it, that we needed to overwhelm you with kindness. This was not something you allowed us to do, at any point. Your constant negative attitude in every situation I've ever been involved with you in is impossible to penetrate. I cannot imagine how hard life must be for someone who fails to see the positive in everything.

Your ability to paint yourself as a martyr is begining to fail on everyone but yourself. It's time to get over yourself, and realize who you are and what you can do. You are no more perfect or imperfect than the rest of us, you have to accept your limitations and learn to exploit your talents. You cannot keep blaiming your failures on other people. How many more places will you have to leave, how many more amazing oppertunities will you turn down or ruin for yourself before you realize that it's not the world around you that's the problem, it's you. You're the person who is ruining your chances of succeeding.

So some advice to close. Get with it. Stop feeling down on yourself, stop blaming the rest of the world for your troubles, stop turning away people that could bring you amazing things in life. You've burned every bridge here, I hope you have more success elsewhere.

Weak/Vulnerable

I had meant to post this earlier, but time got away from me. So it may end up being a shorter post than I had expected.

Fall break was interesting. I don't want this to belittle the amazing time I had, but it became a weekend full of a great deal of reflection for me. Mostly to do with how often I leave myself open to feel something other than happiness.

During the car ride up to Boulder Nate, Jess and Gilbert told me that they know I don't open up to them, that I have my walls that they don't see behind. This started the reflection. I let the moment pass, letting them in on a time in my life when I wasn't so happy, but I still kept up the defense.

On the way home, I received news that my dad had had a seizure and was being taken to the hospital for tests. My mind raced back to the time a little over a year ago when he was in the hospital for a few weeks due to similar occurrences that turned out to be caused by an abscess on his brain. My heart raced, my head swam with the worst possible outcomes for this situation, but I didn't tell my three very close friends who I was with that anything had happened.

When my father was in the hospital last year, I became a person my mom could rely on. I didn't show my distress in front of her, or in front of anyone for that matter. I cried twice when things weren't looking too good, and haven't cried a single tear since then. Because I had to be strong for my mother, I disallowed myself to be vulnerable.

I didn't realize it until tonight, when I finally got to talk about the thoughts I had been having all weekend with a someone, but I have always viewed being vulnerable as being "weak". I maintain a calm demeanor and an unaffected expression when faced with serious troubles, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to feel anything. I don't know if this is simply bottling up so many emotions that will simply explode one day, or if everything just disappears. It scares me that I am not comfortable enough to treat any of these amazing people around me as the outlet to for that emotion.

My date this weekend, while one of the best first dates I've ever had, is not going to be turning into anything serious.(not even a "string" for those of you who know what that means) And I'm okay with that, it's for the best, but it got me down for a while after it happened. I think I now know why I put so much stock in these "threads". The last person I was able to be vulnerable for was Lee. Something about a long-term committed relationship, allowed me to show my emotions. So I long to find a connection like that again, and until today when I thought it through, I thought I could only find it in a relationship. During last years craziness, I was so close to calling Lee just to be able to released the emotions I was holding in. I didn't.

I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. So I don't tell anyone about them, I don't tell how I'm feeling. I put on a happy face, or I clam up and don't say a thing.

I'm fixing that. I'm going to make an effort to let the gates open up for my friends, for the people who love me, and who want to be there for me. It won't be the whole river that comes out at first, but even allowing a trickle might help.

As a last minute note, my dad is fine now. He's back at home with new meds. Nothing irregular showed up on the CT scan, it's most likely a result of the scarred tissue on his brain from the last time.

Another 2 week later update.

Well at this point I am as close to half way as I'll get with my updates. It is day 42 of P90X, meaning I have 48 days to go. These past two weeks have been a combination of 2 new workouts with the old cardio workouts mixed in between. I can definitely tell the difference in the workouts! Not necessarily harder, but it's almost like I've gone back to day 1 in how sore I am afterward.

I've been tempted a few times to take a random batch of photos just to post them because I'm finally starting to see real results! And each time I see results I eventually realize I'm not yet where I want to be, but after I remind myself that I'm only half way I stop worrying. The program works. I have no doubt I'd be seeing even better results had I chosen to stick to the nutritional guide, but I eat pretty well already (minus the growing number of occasions in which I eat out.)

My pull up bar broke, which means I'm currently unable to do the pull-up sections of the workouts. Really sucks, but I'm going to try reinstalling it in a different location, hopefully I won't be needlessly putting more holes in my walls.

So ultimately I've stayed true to my two most important rules. 1) I have not had a sip of alcohol in 42 days. In 48 more days, I will celebrate with a long awaited G&T! 2) I haven't missed a single workout. I've been on top of the workouts every day, even those days when I honestly don't want to do it.

And that's it for now... Kind of scatter brained update. But I'm kind of unsure how to update on this topic anymore. Two weeks from now will be the end of round 2. If I'm feeling confident enough I will post pics.

Coasting.

I've been noticing my mind checking out of NM for a while, but it's becoming more intense with each passing day. I've come to the point where I feel there's nothing left for me in NM. Yes, I have amazing friends, and I do not intend to discredit those amazing relationships, but the only thing that I'm honestly still excited about here is Rent. My friends are very much a part of that.
Most days after work, or if it's a weekend the entire day, I just sit in my one bedroom apartment alone. I try to get out and do things. And I do, but it's not been enough to overcome the feeling of being alone, or the feeling that I'm ready for change. I've once again returned to the state of not having someone here for me. That sounds weird. I no longer have someone that I will just randomly call and say "hey, lets go walk in the night air and just enjoy each other's company." My friends are incredible, but for one reason or another the people I confide in aren't anywhere near me, be it emotionally or geographically.

This blog isn't an attack on anyone, nor is it a plea for pity. Just a place for me to put out there what I'm feeling. I'm ready to move. Ready to leave NM behind and start something new elsewhere. I've outstayed my time here.

Section 1: Check!

Yesterday was the final day of the first section of P90X, I didn't miss a single workout in the first 28 days and am completely thrilled that my drive kept me going! There are a couple of workouts that I'm really not fond of such as Core Synergistics and Yoga X but I've figured out a way to sub them out with other workouts while still achieving the same goal.

The one area I have really not followed through on is eating completely healthy. With the start of school and seeing all my friends again it is really difficult to resist the temptation a plate of Western Style Hash Browns from Frontier can bring. I have stayed true to some goals though, my fried food intake is still at about 0, I have not consumed a sip of alcohol since I started, the amount of cheese I eat has decreased significantly, and of course I'm still consuming a large amount of protein!

So here's the big question: is it working?! The answer is yes, while the pictures I took yesterday aren't a very good way to measure the difference as the lighting for both my starting pics and my day 28 pics is less than perfect, I have been able to tell the difference. My muscle tone has greatly improved all over! I joke that I'm finally getting an ass, but it's true, my negative ass is on the way out! :-P I'm seeing changes all over. I'm a lot hungrier which sucks because I have to maintain eating 5 small meals a day, but the flip side of that is that my energy is amazing!

The change is subtle though. While I was hoping, rather irrationally, for something quick and amazing these subtle changes are nice, and I'm only 1/3 of the way done. Today I come out of the program's first "rest week" and move on to the second wave of exercises which mixes things up to remove the plateau effect. Only 62 more workouts to go!!!

Update again in two weeks!

P.S. Still no pics yet, sorry chaps! You'll get them eventually!

P90X, Townhalls and others...

Alright. Two since my last post and I guess first off I need to clarify something. When I said I'd be posting bi-weekly blogs I meant every other week. Not twice a week. So this is the first, two weeks from now you'll get another. Actually be 16 days until my next post, just to make it the exact 30 days since I started P90X.

So, is it working?! So far as I can tell yes! It's only been two weeks, but there have been subtle changes already in my energy and muscle tone. Everyday after I finish my workout I cross it off the calender on my wall and feel so accomplished. Next week is the same as the past two as far as what workouts I'll be doing, the week after that is a cool down/rest week. After that it gets kicked up again with a new set of workouts to keep me from plateauing.

I've been mostly good about eating the way I should be. I was a little too relaxed with it this week, but hope to get back on track 100% this week. Keeping off the alcohol has been surprisingly easy though, and being good about getting the work outs in has been easy too!

So to sum up, it's too early to be seeing big results but there are minor ones. My drive to continue the program is as strong as the day I started, and while I have 11 weeks left, I'm certain I can keep my drive going!

Now for issues beyond P90X. Yesterday was obnoxiously busy, but in a very good way. Nate and I ran around doing errands all day, and at one point ended up at the UNM Continuing Ed building for a townhall meeting on Health Care Reform. There were about 4 other people in the group of college students we met up with, but outside of that it was almost entirely people over 50. I'm still completely blown away by the complete lack of political interest by our generation. If we do nothing for us, the politicians do nothing for us. And apparently college students felt that getting the president elected was enough for the decade.

It's not. The Dems aren't doing shit. For anyone. They're sitting around letting the Republicans bully them around. We are the power in every branch of the government at the moment, and if we don't start getting things done, we'll lose it. Where is that aggressive drive we had during the election? It's summer break! If students were able to be as active as they were during the school year, they certainly can be at least as active when school is out.

So what's the issue? That's mostly rhetorical. I tried, along with Dan Cornish, to get my friends on-board on the issue of health care, and the over whelming response was... nothing. Sad.

And final topic. I've decided to make cuts in my life. Not hobbies, foods or anything like that. People. I've come along way from being the complete insecure push-over I once was and no longer feel the need to entertain people that intend on putting me back down there. I'm intelligent, I'm fairly attractive, I'm confident. So I'm cutting people out of my life that treat me unfairly. I've got great friends, one or two of them can't view me as an equal... *poof*

Will update again in two weeks and two days. Off I go to get my workout in!