At first this show was something I wore on my sleeve. A label that I wore with pride, I had snagged my dream role. As the rehearsal process went on it began to morph into something else. It consumed my life, but I was eager to let it. I had never been a part of a show where the cast as a whole did not want to take breaks. Every second of this production was a thrill that we were wanting to hold on to.
And now we're standing at the edge. Tomorrow my part in the show that began changing my life 8 years ago comes to an end. I have never been more confident walking on stage, and yet at the same time I have never been more humbled by the entire experience. Every performance just assures me a I'm doing what I want to do forever. This group of people I've worked with for the past semester has sculpted memories that will stay with me and every person that entered the theatre forever.
As I said in the video blog, this show changed my life when I first saw it. To be able to be that force for other people is something I never thought I would ever experience.
Despite all the drama that may have been thrown our way, I have found my place in an incredible family. I am so proud to have this show be the last one I will be in at UNM, and not because of the title and the character name I will be adding to my resume, but because of the people I have grown close to.
Tomorrow won't be easy. This show will be forever a part of who I am. Thank you so much to everyone involved.
Because I could keep writing forever with no aim I'm going to stop now...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Dear...
So I was going to send this to the person it's about, but I decided against it. If the person it concerns finds it I have no shame about what I wrote, but I didn't see the point in sending it.
I apologize to anyone who doesn't know the situation, but I don't want to elaborate anymore than I already have in the letter below...
So I'm gonna start by saying that this is not prompted by anyone or anythign other than my personal feelings towards the situations that I have been witness to.
Concerning your departure from the RENT cast, it was on ground that I had brought to Kathy. As a director it was her job to see that the rehearsals were conducted in a way that resulted in the best final product. I had gone to her on a number of occasions explaining your unprofessional attitude towards both the cast and the creative team. I was not a part in her final decision but all I can say is that you dug your own grave. Your attitude towards your fellow cast members, outside of the few people that you attempted to drag into your mindset, was horrible. You had no respect for anyone, which was made clear the very first rehearsal. You can try and say that this was you being shy, but I'm being honest with you, so don't lie to yourself or to me. You didn't like us, and you didn't like the role you got in the show.
After the first batch of drama went down I told cast members who came to me about your attitude that we needed to try and deal with it, that we needed to overwhelm you with kindness. This was not something you allowed us to do, at any point. Your constant negative attitude in every situation I've ever been involved with you in is impossible to penetrate. I cannot imagine how hard life must be for someone who fails to see the positive in everything.
Your ability to paint yourself as a martyr is begining to fail on everyone but yourself. It's time to get over yourself, and realize who you are and what you can do. You are no more perfect or imperfect than the rest of us, you have to accept your limitations and learn to exploit your talents. You cannot keep blaiming your failures on other people. How many more places will you have to leave, how many more amazing oppertunities will you turn down or ruin for yourself before you realize that it's not the world around you that's the problem, it's you. You're the person who is ruining your chances of succeeding.
So some advice to close. Get with it. Stop feeling down on yourself, stop blaming the rest of the world for your troubles, stop turning away people that could bring you amazing things in life. You've burned every bridge here, I hope you have more success elsewhere.
I apologize to anyone who doesn't know the situation, but I don't want to elaborate anymore than I already have in the letter below...
So I'm gonna start by saying that this is not prompted by anyone or anythign other than my personal feelings towards the situations that I have been witness to.
Concerning your departure from the RENT cast, it was on ground that I had brought to Kathy. As a director it was her job to see that the rehearsals were conducted in a way that resulted in the best final product. I had gone to her on a number of occasions explaining your unprofessional attitude towards both the cast and the creative team. I was not a part in her final decision but all I can say is that you dug your own grave. Your attitude towards your fellow cast members, outside of the few people that you attempted to drag into your mindset, was horrible. You had no respect for anyone, which was made clear the very first rehearsal. You can try and say that this was you being shy, but I'm being honest with you, so don't lie to yourself or to me. You didn't like us, and you didn't like the role you got in the show.
After the first batch of drama went down I told cast members who came to me about your attitude that we needed to try and deal with it, that we needed to overwhelm you with kindness. This was not something you allowed us to do, at any point. Your constant negative attitude in every situation I've ever been involved with you in is impossible to penetrate. I cannot imagine how hard life must be for someone who fails to see the positive in everything.
Your ability to paint yourself as a martyr is begining to fail on everyone but yourself. It's time to get over yourself, and realize who you are and what you can do. You are no more perfect or imperfect than the rest of us, you have to accept your limitations and learn to exploit your talents. You cannot keep blaiming your failures on other people. How many more places will you have to leave, how many more amazing oppertunities will you turn down or ruin for yourself before you realize that it's not the world around you that's the problem, it's you. You're the person who is ruining your chances of succeeding.
So some advice to close. Get with it. Stop feeling down on yourself, stop blaming the rest of the world for your troubles, stop turning away people that could bring you amazing things in life. You've burned every bridge here, I hope you have more success elsewhere.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Weak/Vulnerable
I had meant to post this earlier, but time got away from me. So it may end up being a shorter post than I had expected.
Fall break was interesting. I don't want this to belittle the amazing time I had, but it became a weekend full of a great deal of reflection for me. Mostly to do with how often I leave myself open to feel something other than happiness.
During the car ride up to Boulder Nate, Jess and Gilbert told me that they know I don't open up to them, that I have my walls that they don't see behind. This started the reflection. I let the moment pass, letting them in on a time in my life when I wasn't so happy, but I still kept up the defense.
On the way home, I received news that my dad had had a seizure and was being taken to the hospital for tests. My mind raced back to the time a little over a year ago when he was in the hospital for a few weeks due to similar occurrences that turned out to be caused by an abscess on his brain. My heart raced, my head swam with the worst possible outcomes for this situation, but I didn't tell my three very close friends who I was with that anything had happened.
When my father was in the hospital last year, I became a person my mom could rely on. I didn't show my distress in front of her, or in front of anyone for that matter. I cried twice when things weren't looking too good, and haven't cried a single tear since then. Because I had to be strong for my mother, I disallowed myself to be vulnerable.
I didn't realize it until tonight, when I finally got to talk about the thoughts I had been having all weekend with a someone, but I have always viewed being vulnerable as being "weak". I maintain a calm demeanor and an unaffected expression when faced with serious troubles, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to feel anything. I don't know if this is simply bottling up so many emotions that will simply explode one day, or if everything just disappears. It scares me that I am not comfortable enough to treat any of these amazing people around me as the outlet to for that emotion.
My date this weekend, while one of the best first dates I've ever had, is not going to be turning into anything serious.(not even a "string" for those of you who know what that means) And I'm okay with that, it's for the best, but it got me down for a while after it happened. I think I now know why I put so much stock in these "threads". The last person I was able to be vulnerable for was Lee. Something about a long-term committed relationship, allowed me to show my emotions. So I long to find a connection like that again, and until today when I thought it through, I thought I could only find it in a relationship. During last years craziness, I was so close to calling Lee just to be able to released the emotions I was holding in. I didn't.
I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. So I don't tell anyone about them, I don't tell how I'm feeling. I put on a happy face, or I clam up and don't say a thing.
I'm fixing that. I'm going to make an effort to let the gates open up for my friends, for the people who love me, and who want to be there for me. It won't be the whole river that comes out at first, but even allowing a trickle might help.
As a last minute note, my dad is fine now. He's back at home with new meds. Nothing irregular showed up on the CT scan, it's most likely a result of the scarred tissue on his brain from the last time.
Fall break was interesting. I don't want this to belittle the amazing time I had, but it became a weekend full of a great deal of reflection for me. Mostly to do with how often I leave myself open to feel something other than happiness.
During the car ride up to Boulder Nate, Jess and Gilbert told me that they know I don't open up to them, that I have my walls that they don't see behind. This started the reflection. I let the moment pass, letting them in on a time in my life when I wasn't so happy, but I still kept up the defense.
On the way home, I received news that my dad had had a seizure and was being taken to the hospital for tests. My mind raced back to the time a little over a year ago when he was in the hospital for a few weeks due to similar occurrences that turned out to be caused by an abscess on his brain. My heart raced, my head swam with the worst possible outcomes for this situation, but I didn't tell my three very close friends who I was with that anything had happened.
When my father was in the hospital last year, I became a person my mom could rely on. I didn't show my distress in front of her, or in front of anyone for that matter. I cried twice when things weren't looking too good, and haven't cried a single tear since then. Because I had to be strong for my mother, I disallowed myself to be vulnerable.
I didn't realize it until tonight, when I finally got to talk about the thoughts I had been having all weekend with a someone, but I have always viewed being vulnerable as being "weak". I maintain a calm demeanor and an unaffected expression when faced with serious troubles, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to feel anything. I don't know if this is simply bottling up so many emotions that will simply explode one day, or if everything just disappears. It scares me that I am not comfortable enough to treat any of these amazing people around me as the outlet to for that emotion.
My date this weekend, while one of the best first dates I've ever had, is not going to be turning into anything serious.(not even a "string" for those of you who know what that means) And I'm okay with that, it's for the best, but it got me down for a while after it happened. I think I now know why I put so much stock in these "threads". The last person I was able to be vulnerable for was Lee. Something about a long-term committed relationship, allowed me to show my emotions. So I long to find a connection like that again, and until today when I thought it through, I thought I could only find it in a relationship. During last years craziness, I was so close to calling Lee just to be able to released the emotions I was holding in. I didn't.
I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. So I don't tell anyone about them, I don't tell how I'm feeling. I put on a happy face, or I clam up and don't say a thing.
I'm fixing that. I'm going to make an effort to let the gates open up for my friends, for the people who love me, and who want to be there for me. It won't be the whole river that comes out at first, but even allowing a trickle might help.
As a last minute note, my dad is fine now. He's back at home with new meds. Nothing irregular showed up on the CT scan, it's most likely a result of the scarred tissue on his brain from the last time.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Another 2 week later update.
Well at this point I am as close to half way as I'll get with my updates. It is day 42 of P90X, meaning I have 48 days to go. These past two weeks have been a combination of 2 new workouts with the old cardio workouts mixed in between. I can definitely tell the difference in the workouts! Not necessarily harder, but it's almost like I've gone back to day 1 in how sore I am afterward.
I've been tempted a few times to take a random batch of photos just to post them because I'm finally starting to see real results! And each time I see results I eventually realize I'm not yet where I want to be, but after I remind myself that I'm only half way I stop worrying. The program works. I have no doubt I'd be seeing even better results had I chosen to stick to the nutritional guide, but I eat pretty well already (minus the growing number of occasions in which I eat out.)
My pull up bar broke, which means I'm currently unable to do the pull-up sections of the workouts. Really sucks, but I'm going to try reinstalling it in a different location, hopefully I won't be needlessly putting more holes in my walls.
So ultimately I've stayed true to my two most important rules. 1) I have not had a sip of alcohol in 42 days. In 48 more days, I will celebrate with a long awaited G&T! 2) I haven't missed a single workout. I've been on top of the workouts every day, even those days when I honestly don't want to do it.
And that's it for now... Kind of scatter brained update. But I'm kind of unsure how to update on this topic anymore. Two weeks from now will be the end of round 2. If I'm feeling confident enough I will post pics.
I've been tempted a few times to take a random batch of photos just to post them because I'm finally starting to see real results! And each time I see results I eventually realize I'm not yet where I want to be, but after I remind myself that I'm only half way I stop worrying. The program works. I have no doubt I'd be seeing even better results had I chosen to stick to the nutritional guide, but I eat pretty well already (minus the growing number of occasions in which I eat out.)
My pull up bar broke, which means I'm currently unable to do the pull-up sections of the workouts. Really sucks, but I'm going to try reinstalling it in a different location, hopefully I won't be needlessly putting more holes in my walls.
So ultimately I've stayed true to my two most important rules. 1) I have not had a sip of alcohol in 42 days. In 48 more days, I will celebrate with a long awaited G&T! 2) I haven't missed a single workout. I've been on top of the workouts every day, even those days when I honestly don't want to do it.
And that's it for now... Kind of scatter brained update. But I'm kind of unsure how to update on this topic anymore. Two weeks from now will be the end of round 2. If I'm feeling confident enough I will post pics.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Coasting.
I've been noticing my mind checking out of NM for a while, but it's becoming more intense with each passing day. I've come to the point where I feel there's nothing left for me in NM. Yes, I have amazing friends, and I do not intend to discredit those amazing relationships, but the only thing that I'm honestly still excited about here is Rent. My friends are very much a part of that.
Most days after work, or if it's a weekend the entire day, I just sit in my one bedroom apartment alone. I try to get out and do things. And I do, but it's not been enough to overcome the feeling of being alone, or the feeling that I'm ready for change. I've once again returned to the state of not having someone here for me. That sounds weird. I no longer have someone that I will just randomly call and say "hey, lets go walk in the night air and just enjoy each other's company." My friends are incredible, but for one reason or another the people I confide in aren't anywhere near me, be it emotionally or geographically.
This blog isn't an attack on anyone, nor is it a plea for pity. Just a place for me to put out there what I'm feeling. I'm ready to move. Ready to leave NM behind and start something new elsewhere. I've outstayed my time here.
Most days after work, or if it's a weekend the entire day, I just sit in my one bedroom apartment alone. I try to get out and do things. And I do, but it's not been enough to overcome the feeling of being alone, or the feeling that I'm ready for change. I've once again returned to the state of not having someone here for me. That sounds weird. I no longer have someone that I will just randomly call and say "hey, lets go walk in the night air and just enjoy each other's company." My friends are incredible, but for one reason or another the people I confide in aren't anywhere near me, be it emotionally or geographically.
This blog isn't an attack on anyone, nor is it a plea for pity. Just a place for me to put out there what I'm feeling. I'm ready to move. Ready to leave NM behind and start something new elsewhere. I've outstayed my time here.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Section 1: Check!
Yesterday was the final day of the first section of P90X, I didn't miss a single workout in the first 28 days and am completely thrilled that my drive kept me going! There are a couple of workouts that I'm really not fond of such as Core Synergistics and Yoga X but I've figured out a way to sub them out with other workouts while still achieving the same goal.
The one area I have really not followed through on is eating completely healthy. With the start of school and seeing all my friends again it is really difficult to resist the temptation a plate of Western Style Hash Browns from Frontier can bring. I have stayed true to some goals though, my fried food intake is still at about 0, I have not consumed a sip of alcohol since I started, the amount of cheese I eat has decreased significantly, and of course I'm still consuming a large amount of protein!
So here's the big question: is it working?! The answer is yes, while the pictures I took yesterday aren't a very good way to measure the difference as the lighting for both my starting pics and my day 28 pics is less than perfect, I have been able to tell the difference. My muscle tone has greatly improved all over! I joke that I'm finally getting an ass, but it's true, my negative ass is on the way out! :-P I'm seeing changes all over. I'm a lot hungrier which sucks because I have to maintain eating 5 small meals a day, but the flip side of that is that my energy is amazing!
The change is subtle though. While I was hoping, rather irrationally, for something quick and amazing these subtle changes are nice, and I'm only 1/3 of the way done. Today I come out of the program's first "rest week" and move on to the second wave of exercises which mixes things up to remove the plateau effect. Only 62 more workouts to go!!!
Update again in two weeks!
P.S. Still no pics yet, sorry chaps! You'll get them eventually!
The one area I have really not followed through on is eating completely healthy. With the start of school and seeing all my friends again it is really difficult to resist the temptation a plate of Western Style Hash Browns from Frontier can bring. I have stayed true to some goals though, my fried food intake is still at about 0, I have not consumed a sip of alcohol since I started, the amount of cheese I eat has decreased significantly, and of course I'm still consuming a large amount of protein!
So here's the big question: is it working?! The answer is yes, while the pictures I took yesterday aren't a very good way to measure the difference as the lighting for both my starting pics and my day 28 pics is less than perfect, I have been able to tell the difference. My muscle tone has greatly improved all over! I joke that I'm finally getting an ass, but it's true, my negative ass is on the way out! :-P I'm seeing changes all over. I'm a lot hungrier which sucks because I have to maintain eating 5 small meals a day, but the flip side of that is that my energy is amazing!
The change is subtle though. While I was hoping, rather irrationally, for something quick and amazing these subtle changes are nice, and I'm only 1/3 of the way done. Today I come out of the program's first "rest week" and move on to the second wave of exercises which mixes things up to remove the plateau effect. Only 62 more workouts to go!!!
Update again in two weeks!
P.S. Still no pics yet, sorry chaps! You'll get them eventually!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
P90X, Townhalls and others...
Alright. Two since my last post and I guess first off I need to clarify something. When I said I'd be posting bi-weekly blogs I meant every other week. Not twice a week. So this is the first, two weeks from now you'll get another. Actually be 16 days until my next post, just to make it the exact 30 days since I started P90X.
So, is it working?! So far as I can tell yes! It's only been two weeks, but there have been subtle changes already in my energy and muscle tone. Everyday after I finish my workout I cross it off the calender on my wall and feel so accomplished. Next week is the same as the past two as far as what workouts I'll be doing, the week after that is a cool down/rest week. After that it gets kicked up again with a new set of workouts to keep me from plateauing.
I've been mostly good about eating the way I should be. I was a little too relaxed with it this week, but hope to get back on track 100% this week. Keeping off the alcohol has been surprisingly easy though, and being good about getting the work outs in has been easy too!
So to sum up, it's too early to be seeing big results but there are minor ones. My drive to continue the program is as strong as the day I started, and while I have 11 weeks left, I'm certain I can keep my drive going!
Now for issues beyond P90X. Yesterday was obnoxiously busy, but in a very good way. Nate and I ran around doing errands all day, and at one point ended up at the UNM Continuing Ed building for a townhall meeting on Health Care Reform. There were about 4 other people in the group of college students we met up with, but outside of that it was almost entirely people over 50. I'm still completely blown away by the complete lack of political interest by our generation. If we do nothing for us, the politicians do nothing for us. And apparently college students felt that getting the president elected was enough for the decade.
It's not. The Dems aren't doing shit. For anyone. They're sitting around letting the Republicans bully them around. We are the power in every branch of the government at the moment, and if we don't start getting things done, we'll lose it. Where is that aggressive drive we had during the election? It's summer break! If students were able to be as active as they were during the school year, they certainly can be at least as active when school is out.
So what's the issue? That's mostly rhetorical. I tried, along with Dan Cornish, to get my friends on-board on the issue of health care, and the over whelming response was... nothing. Sad.
And final topic. I've decided to make cuts in my life. Not hobbies, foods or anything like that. People. I've come along way from being the complete insecure push-over I once was and no longer feel the need to entertain people that intend on putting me back down there. I'm intelligent, I'm fairly attractive, I'm confident. So I'm cutting people out of my life that treat me unfairly. I've got great friends, one or two of them can't view me as an equal... *poof*
Will update again in two weeks and two days. Off I go to get my workout in!
So, is it working?! So far as I can tell yes! It's only been two weeks, but there have been subtle changes already in my energy and muscle tone. Everyday after I finish my workout I cross it off the calender on my wall and feel so accomplished. Next week is the same as the past two as far as what workouts I'll be doing, the week after that is a cool down/rest week. After that it gets kicked up again with a new set of workouts to keep me from plateauing.
I've been mostly good about eating the way I should be. I was a little too relaxed with it this week, but hope to get back on track 100% this week. Keeping off the alcohol has been surprisingly easy though, and being good about getting the work outs in has been easy too!
So to sum up, it's too early to be seeing big results but there are minor ones. My drive to continue the program is as strong as the day I started, and while I have 11 weeks left, I'm certain I can keep my drive going!
Now for issues beyond P90X. Yesterday was obnoxiously busy, but in a very good way. Nate and I ran around doing errands all day, and at one point ended up at the UNM Continuing Ed building for a townhall meeting on Health Care Reform. There were about 4 other people in the group of college students we met up with, but outside of that it was almost entirely people over 50. I'm still completely blown away by the complete lack of political interest by our generation. If we do nothing for us, the politicians do nothing for us. And apparently college students felt that getting the president elected was enough for the decade.
It's not. The Dems aren't doing shit. For anyone. They're sitting around letting the Republicans bully them around. We are the power in every branch of the government at the moment, and if we don't start getting things done, we'll lose it. Where is that aggressive drive we had during the election? It's summer break! If students were able to be as active as they were during the school year, they certainly can be at least as active when school is out.
So what's the issue? That's mostly rhetorical. I tried, along with Dan Cornish, to get my friends on-board on the issue of health care, and the over whelming response was... nothing. Sad.
And final topic. I've decided to make cuts in my life. Not hobbies, foods or anything like that. People. I've come along way from being the complete insecure push-over I once was and no longer feel the need to entertain people that intend on putting me back down there. I'm intelligent, I'm fairly attractive, I'm confident. So I'm cutting people out of my life that treat me unfairly. I've got great friends, one or two of them can't view me as an equal... *poof*
Will update again in two weeks and two days. Off I go to get my workout in!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday afternoon... blog time!
This weekend was rather momentous.
I moved one of my closest friends to another city in another state. I had a couple of thoughts during this process. While I'll miss Dea and Ryan now that they're 7-8 hours away, it doesn't seem all that bad as I've decided that Denver is the place for me. I'd said before that I was looking into Denver as a post-college move, but after simply driving through the city it confirmed it for me. Talking with my mom's cousin I as reassured that the move was right for me.
Along with this excitement went another issue. I had yet another mini-freak-out about being on my own. Not having my parents there to help me out when I need it. Dea and Ryan's place was perfect! While unloading all of their stuff the occasional thought of "life in a relationship is easier" came up. Being on my own in a new city will be hard both emotionally and financially, but slowly as the day progressed I became more comfortable with the idea. I'm ready for it! And with some friends already waiting for me I'm sure I'll have no problem!
Now for the topic I had intended to write about last weekend. As those of you who are close to me already know, I've decided to do P90X. Ya know, that informertial you always see where a beef head tells you "In ninety days you could become as ripped as me" (alright not quite like that). I kept seeing those on TV and one day decided to do some research. That one day of research because a few months of continual research/decision making. Ultimately I decided I would do it, online forums not connected with the program sing it's praises, and I began following a guy who had already done it with amazing results and was beginning his second round. So here's the break down: My reason for doing it, what it means, and what I'm asking of my friends.
The Why:
About when I was in the sixth grade I switched running around with my friends outside to play inside with video games and toys. This combined with an over whelming desire for milk, cheese and junk food led me to be a pretty large 7th grader. The thing I can remember most is my aunt's constant remarks about how big I was getting and how bothered she was by it. I believe it was this that began my insecurities about how I look. I stopped swimming with my shirt off because I was too afraid of the remarks that would follow, even my friends in middle school had comments that I wasn't ready to deal with at that age.
This led me to some really unhealthy action in high school. I stopped using the money my parents would give me for lunch to buy food and instead save it. The main purpose of this was I didn't feel right eating. Were it not for my parent's tradition of eating together every night at the dinner table this tendency would have led into some pretty serious anorexia I'm sure.
Senior year I leveled out and since then I've made it a point to eat healthier, exercise a decent amount and regulate my weight. But certain insecurities follow me to today. I still avoid swimming because I don't want to be seen shirtless. I look back and point to several failed relationship attempts that I blame on my body type, and though this ridiculous insecurity is probably false I can't escape the feeling.
My reason for taking on this program is for confidence, even if I don't come out of it a complete beefcake (too many muscles are gross anyways), I want to be comfortable in my own skin... which hasn't happened for as long as I can remember.
The what:
For the next three months I will be doing daily exercises that last about an hour and a half. With where I started I will have 1 day of rest a week, Saturday. I already eat pretty healthily when I'm the one preparing the food and the nutrition plan that comes with the program is very meat heavy. So as far as the nutritional aspects of my next three months I've decided on a few extra limitations/rules to what I consume. For starters I am kicking alcohol, that's right not even one G&T or glass of wine for 90 days.
I'm going to be consuming a large amount of protein, because of this necessity I'm going to be limiting my meals out to 1 a week. That way I can still enjoy dinners out with my friends several times a month but still monitor what I'm eating.
The how:
And finally what I'm asking of you. Help me! 3 months of this lifestyle is not going to be easy at all. I'm doing every thing I can to make sure I have the drive to keep it up. This blog post is part of that. A great deal of my hidden insecurities I threw out there with the expectations that you knowing them will make me want to overcome them.
The program tells you to take photos to follow your progress, several photos on days 1, 30, 60 and finally 90. I've taken my day 1 photos but am not posting them just yet. I will take my 30 day, but won't be posting any of them until my day 45. There will be three sets of photos at that point, hopefully showing some great progress.
So yeah, 90 days of me pushing myself hard. I finished the first day already and it was not easy at all. So help me... I ask that you not push me to break the rules I set out for myself and instead push me to follow them. It's gonna be a hard three months, but with your help I'm sure it'll be worth it!
Expect bi-weekly posts from this point on, I'll post about how the program's going and update on other random aspects of my life!
I moved one of my closest friends to another city in another state. I had a couple of thoughts during this process. While I'll miss Dea and Ryan now that they're 7-8 hours away, it doesn't seem all that bad as I've decided that Denver is the place for me. I'd said before that I was looking into Denver as a post-college move, but after simply driving through the city it confirmed it for me. Talking with my mom's cousin I as reassured that the move was right for me.
Along with this excitement went another issue. I had yet another mini-freak-out about being on my own. Not having my parents there to help me out when I need it. Dea and Ryan's place was perfect! While unloading all of their stuff the occasional thought of "life in a relationship is easier" came up. Being on my own in a new city will be hard both emotionally and financially, but slowly as the day progressed I became more comfortable with the idea. I'm ready for it! And with some friends already waiting for me I'm sure I'll have no problem!
Now for the topic I had intended to write about last weekend. As those of you who are close to me already know, I've decided to do P90X. Ya know, that informertial you always see where a beef head tells you "In ninety days you could become as ripped as me" (alright not quite like that). I kept seeing those on TV and one day decided to do some research. That one day of research because a few months of continual research/decision making. Ultimately I decided I would do it, online forums not connected with the program sing it's praises, and I began following a guy who had already done it with amazing results and was beginning his second round. So here's the break down: My reason for doing it, what it means, and what I'm asking of my friends.
The Why:
About when I was in the sixth grade I switched running around with my friends outside to play inside with video games and toys. This combined with an over whelming desire for milk, cheese and junk food led me to be a pretty large 7th grader. The thing I can remember most is my aunt's constant remarks about how big I was getting and how bothered she was by it. I believe it was this that began my insecurities about how I look. I stopped swimming with my shirt off because I was too afraid of the remarks that would follow, even my friends in middle school had comments that I wasn't ready to deal with at that age.
This led me to some really unhealthy action in high school. I stopped using the money my parents would give me for lunch to buy food and instead save it. The main purpose of this was I didn't feel right eating. Were it not for my parent's tradition of eating together every night at the dinner table this tendency would have led into some pretty serious anorexia I'm sure.
Senior year I leveled out and since then I've made it a point to eat healthier, exercise a decent amount and regulate my weight. But certain insecurities follow me to today. I still avoid swimming because I don't want to be seen shirtless. I look back and point to several failed relationship attempts that I blame on my body type, and though this ridiculous insecurity is probably false I can't escape the feeling.
My reason for taking on this program is for confidence, even if I don't come out of it a complete beefcake (too many muscles are gross anyways), I want to be comfortable in my own skin... which hasn't happened for as long as I can remember.
The what:
For the next three months I will be doing daily exercises that last about an hour and a half. With where I started I will have 1 day of rest a week, Saturday. I already eat pretty healthily when I'm the one preparing the food and the nutrition plan that comes with the program is very meat heavy. So as far as the nutritional aspects of my next three months I've decided on a few extra limitations/rules to what I consume. For starters I am kicking alcohol, that's right not even one G&T or glass of wine for 90 days.
I'm going to be consuming a large amount of protein, because of this necessity I'm going to be limiting my meals out to 1 a week. That way I can still enjoy dinners out with my friends several times a month but still monitor what I'm eating.
The how:
And finally what I'm asking of you. Help me! 3 months of this lifestyle is not going to be easy at all. I'm doing every thing I can to make sure I have the drive to keep it up. This blog post is part of that. A great deal of my hidden insecurities I threw out there with the expectations that you knowing them will make me want to overcome them.
The program tells you to take photos to follow your progress, several photos on days 1, 30, 60 and finally 90. I've taken my day 1 photos but am not posting them just yet. I will take my 30 day, but won't be posting any of them until my day 45. There will be three sets of photos at that point, hopefully showing some great progress.
So yeah, 90 days of me pushing myself hard. I finished the first day already and it was not easy at all. So help me... I ask that you not push me to break the rules I set out for myself and instead push me to follow them. It's gonna be a hard three months, but with your help I'm sure it'll be worth it!
Expect bi-weekly posts from this point on, I'll post about how the program's going and update on other random aspects of my life!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Not the update I had intended.
When I had said in my earlier blog that I would be updating today it was supposed to be about a new work-out routine. Instead it's an update where I will most likely beat myself up most of the time.
It's been quite a while since I've broken a heart. Well a year, that is before tonight.
There's nothing like breaking things off with one of your best friends to make you feel like a piece of shit. Looking back now I wouldn't have taken the steps to start the relationship. Now I'm out a friend and can mostly look forward to awkward rehearsals and even more awkward friend gatherings as we'll be in the same shows together and have the same friends.
I'm sitting here at my computer in my new apartment, and I just realized that I haven't felt this alone in some time. No roomies, no boyfriend and to top it off one of my closest friends leaves for another state in a week. Things have changed, and while I'm sure I will come to embrace the change with time, right now I'm not so appreciative.
For those of you that know him, please be there for him. I would be, but I can't. I'll make it through this.
P.S. With any luck I'll be posting the blog I had intended to next week. Assuming my ankle is healed in time.
It's been quite a while since I've broken a heart. Well a year, that is before tonight.
There's nothing like breaking things off with one of your best friends to make you feel like a piece of shit. Looking back now I wouldn't have taken the steps to start the relationship. Now I'm out a friend and can mostly look forward to awkward rehearsals and even more awkward friend gatherings as we'll be in the same shows together and have the same friends.
I'm sitting here at my computer in my new apartment, and I just realized that I haven't felt this alone in some time. No roomies, no boyfriend and to top it off one of my closest friends leaves for another state in a week. Things have changed, and while I'm sure I will come to embrace the change with time, right now I'm not so appreciative.
For those of you that know him, please be there for him. I would be, but I can't. I'll make it through this.
P.S. With any luck I'll be posting the blog I had intended to next week. Assuming my ankle is healed in time.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The End Approaches
First off I apologize for waiting over a month to update, Gross Indecency took over and almost all free time for my summer disappeared. I realize there are only four people that follow this, and maybe 3-4 more that will occasionally check it outside of that, but still, sorry for the delay!
I had told Dea quite a while ago that I was tired of feeling like I'm in between stages of my life. I ready for change, and now lots of things are changing with more changes on the way. I recently changed jobs, giving Jess my old one. I truly love my new job! Paid lunches, a trainer who is as liberal as I am (and loves Dan Savage too!), and a $2 an hour raise. It's been an amazing improvement, while I loved my old job, it was below me. The job was overly simplistic and underpaying for what I ultimately was doing compared to the rest of my co-workers. These sentiments will be echoed by Jess no doubt, but just like I did she'll quickly climb to the top and on to a better job.
The next change on the horizon will be my move. I'm leaving the ultimate party house. I'm also moving into an apartment all by myself for the first time in my life. I've always had at least one room mate, this new experience will be interesting. I'm ready for it though. I've lived with John for the past four years and we're both kinda ready for something different, especially now that he's engaged. There is another change that goes with this move, and while most of you know what it is I'm not going to write on that until it begins. (expect an update August 2nd)
Then there's Dea. She's one of my closest friends, and after the first week in August she's gone. Of course I am going to miss her, but all this talk about her and Ryan moving is only getting me more excited for my leaving NM. She's about to undergo a HUGE change, and while I'm a little nervous about the few changes I'm about to go through, I'm also incredibly jealous of the adventure she is about to start. Friendships are rough when they're forced to carry on across distance. This is something I'm used to, as most of my high school friends and I no longer live in the same city. The connection that has been formed, however, doesn't just disappear. As of right now, Denver is the top of my list for places to move when I graduate, so the connection between Dea and I can't dissipate because I, we, still need it.
All this change is thrilling. A little scary as I had said, but thrilling. The times I worry about living alone and getting lonely I simply remind myself that I have amazing friends for the first time since high school. If I get lonely, I only have to call one of the many, or all of the many!
So yeah, Update to come August 2nd. It'll be my first really emotionally exposing blog on this site... But I have one more change to set into motion!
I had told Dea quite a while ago that I was tired of feeling like I'm in between stages of my life. I ready for change, and now lots of things are changing with more changes on the way. I recently changed jobs, giving Jess my old one. I truly love my new job! Paid lunches, a trainer who is as liberal as I am (and loves Dan Savage too!), and a $2 an hour raise. It's been an amazing improvement, while I loved my old job, it was below me. The job was overly simplistic and underpaying for what I ultimately was doing compared to the rest of my co-workers. These sentiments will be echoed by Jess no doubt, but just like I did she'll quickly climb to the top and on to a better job.
The next change on the horizon will be my move. I'm leaving the ultimate party house. I'm also moving into an apartment all by myself for the first time in my life. I've always had at least one room mate, this new experience will be interesting. I'm ready for it though. I've lived with John for the past four years and we're both kinda ready for something different, especially now that he's engaged. There is another change that goes with this move, and while most of you know what it is I'm not going to write on that until it begins. (expect an update August 2nd)
Then there's Dea. She's one of my closest friends, and after the first week in August she's gone. Of course I am going to miss her, but all this talk about her and Ryan moving is only getting me more excited for my leaving NM. She's about to undergo a HUGE change, and while I'm a little nervous about the few changes I'm about to go through, I'm also incredibly jealous of the adventure she is about to start. Friendships are rough when they're forced to carry on across distance. This is something I'm used to, as most of my high school friends and I no longer live in the same city. The connection that has been formed, however, doesn't just disappear. As of right now, Denver is the top of my list for places to move when I graduate, so the connection between Dea and I can't dissipate because I, we, still need it.
All this change is thrilling. A little scary as I had said, but thrilling. The times I worry about living alone and getting lonely I simply remind myself that I have amazing friends for the first time since high school. If I get lonely, I only have to call one of the many, or all of the many!
So yeah, Update to come August 2nd. It'll be my first really emotionally exposing blog on this site... But I have one more change to set into motion!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Exhausted
I suppose I should have known I'd be tired. Going from the gym to work to rehearsal and then home and to bed to repeat the next day should be obviously exhausting. I thought though that I'd be getting something worthwhile out of some of it. Instead I'm left with a week that is day after day of the same routine with nothing uplifting to keep me motivated
The gym is no longer a thrill as most mornings I am too tired to really enjoy it, it becomes a chore to pull myself out of the house that early in the morning. I've stopped going in the afternoons after work as it would leave me with far too little time to get something to eat before rehearsal.
Work has always been boring, but more and more I feel trapped in a job that is a bigger waste of time than any other job I've done. I do more than the majority of my co-workers while being paid the same, incredibly inadequate, wage. John was insistent the other day on knowing how much I made, I refused to tell him because I'm embarrassed... with any luck however I'll be put into a new position with in the month which will pay significantly more.
The one thing I thought would bring enjoyment above any of the others was the show I'm in. Instead of it being something amazing it's me doing my part amidst a few older men who either don't know they're lines or forget every blocking change from the night before. It's incredibly frustrating.
Add into this the things weighing heavily on my mind (the issues with my grandmother, the issues with my sister {which have hit an all time low}, the fear of what is to come in my life after college, etc.) and it's no wonder why I'm tired of things as they are.
I'm ready for change, I'm ready for something stable, I'm ready for something to bring me comfort. I recently decided that I will definitely be moving into a single bedroom apartment come August. No more room mate drama, more privacy, and the space I need to execute future plans of mine. This move will be something good... As will the opening of my show, which will free up my weeknights, giving me the opportunity to relax more and do something for me.
Things are being a pain right now, but one by one things will fall into line that will make things better. My family troubles are completely out of control, so I have to learn to accept them and move on.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer style update, my next one will be after the show opens and with any luck I'll have something uplifting to write next time.
The gym is no longer a thrill as most mornings I am too tired to really enjoy it, it becomes a chore to pull myself out of the house that early in the morning. I've stopped going in the afternoons after work as it would leave me with far too little time to get something to eat before rehearsal.
Work has always been boring, but more and more I feel trapped in a job that is a bigger waste of time than any other job I've done. I do more than the majority of my co-workers while being paid the same, incredibly inadequate, wage. John was insistent the other day on knowing how much I made, I refused to tell him because I'm embarrassed... with any luck however I'll be put into a new position with in the month which will pay significantly more.
The one thing I thought would bring enjoyment above any of the others was the show I'm in. Instead of it being something amazing it's me doing my part amidst a few older men who either don't know they're lines or forget every blocking change from the night before. It's incredibly frustrating.
Add into this the things weighing heavily on my mind (the issues with my grandmother, the issues with my sister {which have hit an all time low}, the fear of what is to come in my life after college, etc.) and it's no wonder why I'm tired of things as they are.
I'm ready for change, I'm ready for something stable, I'm ready for something to bring me comfort. I recently decided that I will definitely be moving into a single bedroom apartment come August. No more room mate drama, more privacy, and the space I need to execute future plans of mine. This move will be something good... As will the opening of my show, which will free up my weeknights, giving me the opportunity to relax more and do something for me.
Things are being a pain right now, but one by one things will fall into line that will make things better. My family troubles are completely out of control, so I have to learn to accept them and move on.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer style update, my next one will be after the show opens and with any luck I'll have something uplifting to write next time.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
SIGNS
Something shared with me that I'm now deciding to share with you. Well worth the 12 minutes it'll take out of your day...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Amidst finality
Am I the only one who's amazed that "finality" is actually a word?!
I was planning on an update following finals week, but upon Jess's prompting here I am.
We'll start with a small update of my family life. Three major things to touch on this time, two of which are a continuation of previous issues.
My last blog was greatly dedicated to my sister and her apparent loss of sanity. Since that last blog she went home, but only for a short while. She is currently back at UNMH, or something like that in the psych ward. Shortly after returning from her last visit she had an outburst in which she punched a hole in the wall of her room, then locked herself in her closet. Once she emerged from the closet at the urging of the police it was made apparent there was some sort of suicide attempt with a hanger. Back to the psych ward she went, and as been there for over two weeks now. Causing a ruckus up there too. Biggest issue of this as of right now is my parents' insurance refusing to further pay for Jamie's time at this shelter. So they are currently in three battles, one with the issue mentioned in the last blog, one against the insurance company so they can stop paying $1000 a day for Jamie's care, and finally the battle to get medicaid to take over the payments.
Next issue around the family, my grandmother. Due to her deteriorating health it is looking less and less likely that she will be on chemotherapy for much longer. Her liver is deteriorating and because of her severe loss of appetite she's not eating enough to support the trauma her body is undergoing. My mother has to look into what to do with my grandmother over the next few months until the inevitable happens... A lot to wait for...
Finally, this weekend I will be attending one of my "cousins'" high school graduation party. It'll be interesting to see some of the family I haven't been in contact with for sometime. As twisted as it may seem I'm rather excited for the possibility of confrontation. They have, since my last interaction with them, joined an extremely right-wing christian church. Needless to say they would be extremely opposed to my homosexuality. I will not make it a point to be sure everyone knows I'm gay, but I won't hide it if for some reason it comes up in conversation... who knows, perhaps I'll have an awesome story to tell in my next blog!!!!
Now on to something I told myself I would not blog about in this new blog very often... Relationships. It has been some time since I have been excited about a new guy, but for a short while last month I was. To add to that, it was reciprocated. Because of this, I had two dates to our prom (sorry Jess!). Dea said "at this rate you'll be boyfriends in like two weeks," and it certainly seemed that way... but yet again out of left field... he called it off. Now I'm not devistated at all, it wasn't a very long dating period and I hadn't grown all that attached to him, but it did suck. I had in my sights something that I've wanted for some time and then it was gone. Once again... back to the "sitting, waiting, wishing." The more time goes by the more I return to the possibly comforting plan of just waiting till my departure from New Mexico to find someone.
To conclude my blog, a glimpse at my future. Following this summer, and the ending of my lease at my house, I will be moving into an apartment by myself for the first time in my life. My parents have already helped a ton by purchasing new pots and pans, plates, bowls, and knives for me. I've got some huge plans for my life after this move, first starting with a new fitness routine. I think the power of those obnoxious infomercials (in combination with youtube users' postings) has finally swayed me to give P90X a chance... completely ridiculous! Once I start it I'll be relying on you guys a lot to keep me motivated, though I have faith I can stick to it through the 3 months of intense workouts and specific eating requirements.
Then there's RENT. The Golden Shoes this year made me realize that RENT is my last chance to do something worthwhile at UNM... So here's hoping my last production at UNM gives me something to proudly leave behind once I graduate.
SoOoOoO... I suppose that's it... for now. With any luck I will have more entertaining/substantial things to report on. For your entertainment... please check out adult.engrish.com
I personally love this one!
I was planning on an update following finals week, but upon Jess's prompting here I am.
We'll start with a small update of my family life. Three major things to touch on this time, two of which are a continuation of previous issues.
My last blog was greatly dedicated to my sister and her apparent loss of sanity. Since that last blog she went home, but only for a short while. She is currently back at UNMH, or something like that in the psych ward. Shortly after returning from her last visit she had an outburst in which she punched a hole in the wall of her room, then locked herself in her closet. Once she emerged from the closet at the urging of the police it was made apparent there was some sort of suicide attempt with a hanger. Back to the psych ward she went, and as been there for over two weeks now. Causing a ruckus up there too. Biggest issue of this as of right now is my parents' insurance refusing to further pay for Jamie's time at this shelter. So they are currently in three battles, one with the issue mentioned in the last blog, one against the insurance company so they can stop paying $1000 a day for Jamie's care, and finally the battle to get medicaid to take over the payments.
Next issue around the family, my grandmother. Due to her deteriorating health it is looking less and less likely that she will be on chemotherapy for much longer. Her liver is deteriorating and because of her severe loss of appetite she's not eating enough to support the trauma her body is undergoing. My mother has to look into what to do with my grandmother over the next few months until the inevitable happens... A lot to wait for...
Finally, this weekend I will be attending one of my "cousins'" high school graduation party. It'll be interesting to see some of the family I haven't been in contact with for sometime. As twisted as it may seem I'm rather excited for the possibility of confrontation. They have, since my last interaction with them, joined an extremely right-wing christian church. Needless to say they would be extremely opposed to my homosexuality. I will not make it a point to be sure everyone knows I'm gay, but I won't hide it if for some reason it comes up in conversation... who knows, perhaps I'll have an awesome story to tell in my next blog!!!!
Now on to something I told myself I would not blog about in this new blog very often... Relationships. It has been some time since I have been excited about a new guy, but for a short while last month I was. To add to that, it was reciprocated. Because of this, I had two dates to our prom (sorry Jess!). Dea said "at this rate you'll be boyfriends in like two weeks," and it certainly seemed that way... but yet again out of left field... he called it off. Now I'm not devistated at all, it wasn't a very long dating period and I hadn't grown all that attached to him, but it did suck. I had in my sights something that I've wanted for some time and then it was gone. Once again... back to the "sitting, waiting, wishing." The more time goes by the more I return to the possibly comforting plan of just waiting till my departure from New Mexico to find someone.
To conclude my blog, a glimpse at my future. Following this summer, and the ending of my lease at my house, I will be moving into an apartment by myself for the first time in my life. My parents have already helped a ton by purchasing new pots and pans, plates, bowls, and knives for me. I've got some huge plans for my life after this move, first starting with a new fitness routine. I think the power of those obnoxious infomercials (in combination with youtube users' postings) has finally swayed me to give P90X a chance... completely ridiculous! Once I start it I'll be relying on you guys a lot to keep me motivated, though I have faith I can stick to it through the 3 months of intense workouts and specific eating requirements.
Then there's RENT. The Golden Shoes this year made me realize that RENT is my last chance to do something worthwhile at UNM... So here's hoping my last production at UNM gives me something to proudly leave behind once I graduate.
SoOoOoO... I suppose that's it... for now. With any luck I will have more entertaining/substantial things to report on. For your entertainment... please check out adult.engrish.com
I personally love this one!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
My Parents' Investment
My family life is, for lack of a better word, interesting right now. I don't worry about writing this kind of stuff in my blog because I know my readers are my close friends and maybe a few other stragglers who find it, which I'm okay with.
There are two major things happening in my family life, the first is my grandmother. She agreed to undergo chemotherapy, but because of her poor health (not including the cancer) she is ineligible for radiation treatment or surgery. All this means that this cancer will kill her, the chemo is just a means to slow down the spreading of the cancer and prolong what time she has left. My aunt is coming into town during the beginning of next month to sort things out with my mother about how the remaining months will be played out. My grandmother cannot live alone for much longer leaving her with few options, move in with my aunt, move in with my parents, or move into a nursing home. I haven't had to deal with the death of someone I knew well since Johnny's death my senior year of high school. It's just weird, the business behind this death... it's something I never had to deal with before. I suppose there might be some kind of peace behind knowing that you're taking care of everything before you go, but knowing that its right around the corner has got to be torture. As if waiting for this wasn't enough for my parents, we have the drama with my younger sister...
Raising children is dangerous... Yeah there's potential that you will raise the perfect child, someone who's compassionate, understanding and just an all around good person. But there's also the chance that something out of your control will turn your child's thoughts and feelings against them. My younger sister was adopted. We first met her when she was 2 years old, the next few years she bounced back and forth between her grandmother and our family, until finally the adoption became final. I remember one night during this time we had a glimpse at some of her less than perfect behavior, and we had a long discussion on whether or not adoption was something our family was really ready for. The four of us ultimately decided that as much as she needed us, we had come to need her too.
Well here we are, over ten years later. My younger sister is concluding her stay in a psych hospital for suicidal teens here in Abq. Her behavior has been spiraling downward over the past year for some reason unknown to us, which pushed her to threaten to kill my parents and herself last week. Here's where I struggle... I consider myself lucky that I haven't had to bare witness to all of this.... and then I think more and realize I consider myself lucky that I do not have to make the decisions on what to do.
My dear friend and former confirmation mentor today told me that your only choice is to love her unconditionally, keep with it, don't give up on her despite all the horrible things she says and does. My parents' have invested a ton in their children, but when can you decide enough is enough, or can you decide that? Jamie has told my parents she is changing her last name back to Lewis after she turns 18, she tells them she hates them, she threatens to kill them and nearly does by grabbing at the steering wheel when they are driving. So how do you keep telling yourself it's not her, it's bipolar disorder? She's obviously a physical threat to herself and those around her.
I don't have an answer for this... I really don't. I don't know how to deal with it as her brother, and cannot imagine what it would be like to be my parents. They keep trying. I'm in awe of them, and unsure how I would react were I in their shoes. How do you love someone unconditionally when every action they do shows that they do not feel the same?
Sorry for this heavy blog. It's not supposed to be heavy with emotion, but rather just a laying out of the things I'm struggling to come up with answers for. I hope to write on something more positive in my next blog.
There are two major things happening in my family life, the first is my grandmother. She agreed to undergo chemotherapy, but because of her poor health (not including the cancer) she is ineligible for radiation treatment or surgery. All this means that this cancer will kill her, the chemo is just a means to slow down the spreading of the cancer and prolong what time she has left. My aunt is coming into town during the beginning of next month to sort things out with my mother about how the remaining months will be played out. My grandmother cannot live alone for much longer leaving her with few options, move in with my aunt, move in with my parents, or move into a nursing home. I haven't had to deal with the death of someone I knew well since Johnny's death my senior year of high school. It's just weird, the business behind this death... it's something I never had to deal with before. I suppose there might be some kind of peace behind knowing that you're taking care of everything before you go, but knowing that its right around the corner has got to be torture. As if waiting for this wasn't enough for my parents, we have the drama with my younger sister...
Raising children is dangerous... Yeah there's potential that you will raise the perfect child, someone who's compassionate, understanding and just an all around good person. But there's also the chance that something out of your control will turn your child's thoughts and feelings against them. My younger sister was adopted. We first met her when she was 2 years old, the next few years she bounced back and forth between her grandmother and our family, until finally the adoption became final. I remember one night during this time we had a glimpse at some of her less than perfect behavior, and we had a long discussion on whether or not adoption was something our family was really ready for. The four of us ultimately decided that as much as she needed us, we had come to need her too.
Well here we are, over ten years later. My younger sister is concluding her stay in a psych hospital for suicidal teens here in Abq. Her behavior has been spiraling downward over the past year for some reason unknown to us, which pushed her to threaten to kill my parents and herself last week. Here's where I struggle... I consider myself lucky that I haven't had to bare witness to all of this.... and then I think more and realize I consider myself lucky that I do not have to make the decisions on what to do.
My dear friend and former confirmation mentor today told me that your only choice is to love her unconditionally, keep with it, don't give up on her despite all the horrible things she says and does. My parents' have invested a ton in their children, but when can you decide enough is enough, or can you decide that? Jamie has told my parents she is changing her last name back to Lewis after she turns 18, she tells them she hates them, she threatens to kill them and nearly does by grabbing at the steering wheel when they are driving. So how do you keep telling yourself it's not her, it's bipolar disorder? She's obviously a physical threat to herself and those around her.
I don't have an answer for this... I really don't. I don't know how to deal with it as her brother, and cannot imagine what it would be like to be my parents. They keep trying. I'm in awe of them, and unsure how I would react were I in their shoes. How do you love someone unconditionally when every action they do shows that they do not feel the same?
Sorry for this heavy blog. It's not supposed to be heavy with emotion, but rather just a laying out of the things I'm struggling to come up with answers for. I hope to write on something more positive in my next blog.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
SORRY!!!
It's been waaaaaaay too long and I'm sorry. To be honest I just haven't felt there's been much to post about, but this will be my attempt.
I deleted my last blog because I had messed with something in the HTML part... woops!It made everything I posted unreadable. I ended it saying that I was going to try something risky in my love life, and well the risk didn't pan out. Things are fine now, as far as I can tell the damage done was minimal. Each one of these failed attempts at dating I feel one step closer to just quitting the dating scene until I move. Possibly a little over a year till I move and I'm still terrified. I'm still struggling with what to do with my living situation next year before the move. Since I will be moving to Denver alone (unless some miracle changes that) I'm trying to decide if it would be best to live alone. Get used to it before I leave all my friends behind.
Next year's musical theatre oppertunities are amazing and I truely can't wait to see what will happen. RENT is a definite and Bare is still in the works, I'm trying to forget about the former for as long as I can. I think too much about RENT and I'll drive myself crazy wanting to just audition already!
Family life is a confusing topic. There was a time when I felt my family was falling apart while I was watching from the outside. While there is still many things to overcome, it seems to be getting better. My grandmother has begun kimo (or however the hell you spell that) and she actually seems to be happier. I don't know what she's going through but it will at least improve her quality of life for some time. My mom does not believe I will have a grandma this time next year, a though that I'm gonna have to learn to accept. As for now, she's alive and seems to be happier than she has been in sometime. As a family we'll take what we can get.
(random thought of hilarity: Listening to Dan Savages podcast right now made me laugh because he ranted for about 4 minutes about how people need to avoid Centaur fetishes. Evidently the Axe Bodywash commercial is having some very strange effects on people.... wooooow)
But yeah, I'm alive. Have my ups, have my downs. Generally I sit in the middle watching things go by. I'm certainly ready for some positive change in my life. Though I will say, I called it when I said 2009 would be better than its predecessor. Things are a hell of a lot better than they were, and I'm looking forward to see where this year will go!
I deleted my last blog because I had messed with something in the HTML part... woops!It made everything I posted unreadable. I ended it saying that I was going to try something risky in my love life, and well the risk didn't pan out. Things are fine now, as far as I can tell the damage done was minimal. Each one of these failed attempts at dating I feel one step closer to just quitting the dating scene until I move. Possibly a little over a year till I move and I'm still terrified. I'm still struggling with what to do with my living situation next year before the move. Since I will be moving to Denver alone (unless some miracle changes that) I'm trying to decide if it would be best to live alone. Get used to it before I leave all my friends behind.
Next year's musical theatre oppertunities are amazing and I truely can't wait to see what will happen. RENT is a definite and Bare is still in the works, I'm trying to forget about the former for as long as I can. I think too much about RENT and I'll drive myself crazy wanting to just audition already!
Family life is a confusing topic. There was a time when I felt my family was falling apart while I was watching from the outside. While there is still many things to overcome, it seems to be getting better. My grandmother has begun kimo (or however the hell you spell that) and she actually seems to be happier. I don't know what she's going through but it will at least improve her quality of life for some time. My mom does not believe I will have a grandma this time next year, a though that I'm gonna have to learn to accept. As for now, she's alive and seems to be happier than she has been in sometime. As a family we'll take what we can get.
(random thought of hilarity: Listening to Dan Savages podcast right now made me laugh because he ranted for about 4 minutes about how people need to avoid Centaur fetishes. Evidently the Axe Bodywash commercial is having some very strange effects on people.... wooooow)
But yeah, I'm alive. Have my ups, have my downs. Generally I sit in the middle watching things go by. I'm certainly ready for some positive change in my life. Though I will say, I called it when I said 2009 would be better than its predecessor. Things are a hell of a lot better than they were, and I'm looking forward to see where this year will go!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
After this long.
I just got home from class, I have a little more than thirty minutes before I have to run off to our opening of Broadway Your Way! This is how I choose to spend that time.
I rarely drive during rush hour as my schedule doesn't normally permit it, with rehearsal and all I'm rarely on the road shortly after five. Today was an exception. On my way home I witnessed two things that really bothered me. The first was a small sedan that drove past me, two adults in the front and a baby in a car seat accompanied by a woman in the back. The baby couldn't have been more than two months old. The woman sitting next to the child was smoking a cigarette, the window was crack in what would appear to be a pathetic attempt to not fill the cabin with cigarette smoke. The second situation was a few minutes later when the airport shuttle van in front of me had a still smoking cigarette butt fly out the window onto the asphalt.
Now here's my problem, and I'll start with my less extreme stance and then move to the more extreme one. I completely support the ban of smoking in public places, it is a disgusting activity that is a danger to not only the person lighting up. Take for instance the baby in the back seat of that car. AN INFANT!! The child cannot choose to not inhale the vast amounts of smoke polluting his(or her) air supply. The complete lack of responsibility on the part of the adults in that car is revolting. The slit in the window was only wide enough for the smoker to knock the embers off of the end of the cigarette when it was called for. This child will grow up with several lung defects from the atrocious display of parenting.
Next we have the asshole working for the airport shuttle service. It's windy today, very windy. This cigarette butt jettisoned from the drivers window could very easily have blown into the front yard of the house lying downwind of the van. Fire could have sparked, burning down whatever the wind directed it to. Yes this is an extreme outcome, and it didn't happen (I think). Even if it didn't start a fire there is still that used filter lying on the ground somewhere as a disgusting reminder of someone's deadly addiction and careless attitude towards the environment.
I feel very strongly that cigarettes should be made illegal. My grandmother stopped smoking nearly 22 years ago and is still suffering from the effects of them, currently in the form of lung cancer. So why is it that we still allow this shit? It smells awful, it does absolutely nothing good for our bodies or minds, and it kills people... millions of people! Children whose parents aren't responsible enough to smoke away from their children are forever going to be scarred, the people who actually do the smoking will suffer even more.
Yeah, I've heard it, they're addicting... All that says to me is weakness. If you don't like something about yourself or what you do, then you fix it. You stop. If you're killing yourself a little with each puff then why the fuck do you continue?! You have the power to stop it, that baby doesn't...
I rarely drive during rush hour as my schedule doesn't normally permit it, with rehearsal and all I'm rarely on the road shortly after five. Today was an exception. On my way home I witnessed two things that really bothered me. The first was a small sedan that drove past me, two adults in the front and a baby in a car seat accompanied by a woman in the back. The baby couldn't have been more than two months old. The woman sitting next to the child was smoking a cigarette, the window was crack in what would appear to be a pathetic attempt to not fill the cabin with cigarette smoke. The second situation was a few minutes later when the airport shuttle van in front of me had a still smoking cigarette butt fly out the window onto the asphalt.
Now here's my problem, and I'll start with my less extreme stance and then move to the more extreme one. I completely support the ban of smoking in public places, it is a disgusting activity that is a danger to not only the person lighting up. Take for instance the baby in the back seat of that car. AN INFANT!! The child cannot choose to not inhale the vast amounts of smoke polluting his(or her) air supply. The complete lack of responsibility on the part of the adults in that car is revolting. The slit in the window was only wide enough for the smoker to knock the embers off of the end of the cigarette when it was called for. This child will grow up with several lung defects from the atrocious display of parenting.
Next we have the asshole working for the airport shuttle service. It's windy today, very windy. This cigarette butt jettisoned from the drivers window could very easily have blown into the front yard of the house lying downwind of the van. Fire could have sparked, burning down whatever the wind directed it to. Yes this is an extreme outcome, and it didn't happen (I think). Even if it didn't start a fire there is still that used filter lying on the ground somewhere as a disgusting reminder of someone's deadly addiction and careless attitude towards the environment.
I feel very strongly that cigarettes should be made illegal. My grandmother stopped smoking nearly 22 years ago and is still suffering from the effects of them, currently in the form of lung cancer. So why is it that we still allow this shit? It smells awful, it does absolutely nothing good for our bodies or minds, and it kills people... millions of people! Children whose parents aren't responsible enough to smoke away from their children are forever going to be scarred, the people who actually do the smoking will suffer even more.
Yeah, I've heard it, they're addicting... All that says to me is weakness. If you don't like something about yourself or what you do, then you fix it. You stop. If you're killing yourself a little with each puff then why the fuck do you continue?! You have the power to stop it, that baby doesn't...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Closure
To start, I said that this would be a more positive blog. Meaning I would not dive into negativity, I would not throw myself pity parties, and I am going to hold true to that. That does not mean I will not write a serious blog now and then. This is one of them.
Today must have been one of the most interesting days of the past year of my life. Lee and I got together to finally talk through everything. He had been reading my old blog and had seen every post I had put up about him, which subconsciously was the goal of it all I think. I was angry with him, and after seeing my blogs he was angry with me, rightly so. Despite the anger leading up to the meeting, it was really subdued and mature.
We talked through everything I had posted, everything that I had learned of/thought about since we broke up a little over a year ago. Then we talked bout things inside our relationship that we hadn't talked about before, things that maybe we had been dishonest about. I apologized for the blogs, and for villainizing him for so long to both myself and my friends. We walked to Popejoy Hall so I could get to rehearsal on time and gave each other a hug goodbye. I trusted everything he told me, because he told me things that he didn't have to. Things I didn't need to know, and would possibly never know had he never told me.
Last January I posted a blog on my Livejournal about how I had suffered a broken heart but was going to use it to better myself. The last line of that read "Broken hearts are shit, but be thankful that the person who hurt you is chasing something new, and do the same. Love will always come around again, just give it time, and there is nothing wrong with remembering who you loved to get there." Today was a reprise of that statement and a finale to the longest relationship I have had at this point in my life. I finally feel that it is over, I no longer hold any negativity to the situation or the person it surrounds.
Right now... I feel lonely. I guess it's to be expected. I was reminded once again today that Lee is not a bad person, though I tried to cast him in the role of the antagonist. I fell in love with a great guy, now we've both moved on. I'm grateful I have our relationship behind me to remind me of what I am capable of.
Today must have been one of the most interesting days of the past year of my life. Lee and I got together to finally talk through everything. He had been reading my old blog and had seen every post I had put up about him, which subconsciously was the goal of it all I think. I was angry with him, and after seeing my blogs he was angry with me, rightly so. Despite the anger leading up to the meeting, it was really subdued and mature.
We talked through everything I had posted, everything that I had learned of/thought about since we broke up a little over a year ago. Then we talked bout things inside our relationship that we hadn't talked about before, things that maybe we had been dishonest about. I apologized for the blogs, and for villainizing him for so long to both myself and my friends. We walked to Popejoy Hall so I could get to rehearsal on time and gave each other a hug goodbye. I trusted everything he told me, because he told me things that he didn't have to. Things I didn't need to know, and would possibly never know had he never told me.
Last January I posted a blog on my Livejournal about how I had suffered a broken heart but was going to use it to better myself. The last line of that read "Broken hearts are shit, but be thankful that the person who hurt you is chasing something new, and do the same. Love will always come around again, just give it time, and there is nothing wrong with remembering who you loved to get there." Today was a reprise of that statement and a finale to the longest relationship I have had at this point in my life. I finally feel that it is over, I no longer hold any negativity to the situation or the person it surrounds.
Right now... I feel lonely. I guess it's to be expected. I was reminded once again today that Lee is not a bad person, though I tried to cast him in the role of the antagonist. I fell in love with a great guy, now we've both moved on. I'm grateful I have our relationship behind me to remind me of what I am capable of.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Each Day a New Step!
I'm actually really surprising myself these days. Talking down the guy in my costume class gave me a boost of confidence that isn't going away. Here's the story, which I think the only two people who read this have already heard.
There's this really cute guy I work with, I've seen him over the past month or so and of course never had the guts to talk to him. Waved to him a few times but that's about it. I wasn't sure if he was even gay. I decided I would try and find a way to ask him out yesterday while at work, there were a few problems with this. 1) He was possibly straight, just because he's cute doesn't make him gay, this is not Queer as Folk after all! 2) He worked in a different area than me, an area that I had no reason to ever be in. and finally 3) I'm a chicken when it comes to cute guys, even if I could get up the courage to talk to him I'd never be able to ask him out. Well today things worked out well for my plan.
I was asked to do something new at my job, something that required me to share a work area with him. For the first few hours there were these two girls in the same area complaining about everything, I figured it probably wasn't a good idea to try and find out if he was gay with them around. Finally they left, I cleverly used that as a cue to ask for sticky notes and introduce myself. (LOL Corny as hell I know, but it worked) Well after that we talked for the next three hours of work. He was awesome, we were able to joke about a lot, he had a good appreciation for music, it was awesome. The gay thing never came up, but I was pretty certain he was by this point.
Work ended and we walked out together, he had to head to the Q lot shuttle, and I to the South lot shuttle, so I figured if I was going to do it, that was the time. I asked him if he'd like to get coffee sometime. (WHOW!! GUTSY!!!) To which he responded "Sure, but only as friends. I have a boyfriend." O_O
There's this really cute guy I work with, I've seen him over the past month or so and of course never had the guts to talk to him. Waved to him a few times but that's about it. I wasn't sure if he was even gay. I decided I would try and find a way to ask him out yesterday while at work, there were a few problems with this. 1) He was possibly straight, just because he's cute doesn't make him gay, this is not Queer as Folk after all! 2) He worked in a different area than me, an area that I had no reason to ever be in. and finally 3) I'm a chicken when it comes to cute guys, even if I could get up the courage to talk to him I'd never be able to ask him out. Well today things worked out well for my plan.
I was asked to do something new at my job, something that required me to share a work area with him. For the first few hours there were these two girls in the same area complaining about everything, I figured it probably wasn't a good idea to try and find out if he was gay with them around. Finally they left, I cleverly used that as a cue to ask for sticky notes and introduce myself. (LOL Corny as hell I know, but it worked) Well after that we talked for the next three hours of work. He was awesome, we were able to joke about a lot, he had a good appreciation for music, it was awesome. The gay thing never came up, but I was pretty certain he was by this point.
Work ended and we walked out together, he had to head to the Q lot shuttle, and I to the South lot shuttle, so I figured if I was going to do it, that was the time. I asked him if he'd like to get coffee sometime. (WHOW!! GUTSY!!!) To which he responded "Sure, but only as friends. I have a boyfriend." O_O
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Illness quickly gets old.
Time to get this blog rollin along!!
It's been close to two months now since I've been consistently able to sing for more than a few days. For one reason or another I keep losing my voice, which really worries me as I have a show coming up soon. (If you're reading this then you found it on facebook, there's an event on there with all of the info about my show! COME!!) I'm not sure if I'm simply over working my voice, this show has more belting in it than I've ever done for one production, or if it's something more serious. I don't know what that more serious something would be, but I suppose it's worth going to a throat doctor or something.
This week has been an interesting one. Generally in a good way. Monday was an incredible day, though no one would ever have guessed it from my status on facebook. I talked down my first homophobe and was incredibly proud of myself. I always say that I am proud of who I have become, and it was after I had stood up to him that I realized yet another part of who that person I am is. I am no longer the timid gay boy who apologizes for who he is. When I first came out I was very uncomfortable with it. It's a scary world, people aren't always accepting and they're willing to hurt you to prove it at times. No matter what happens to me I'm proud I am gay, and I don't need everyone to be okay with that to be happy. I may not have the typical family when I grow up but I will have the family that makes me happy.
I leave in about 20 minutes to go down to Lotus, should be a fun evening. Dea and myself are meeting up with Gilbert and his crew as well as Joe and his friend Sarah. Should be an eventful evening. So I suppose this is it for the evening. I'll try and get another post up this weekend. Lets see if I get an audience!
It's been close to two months now since I've been consistently able to sing for more than a few days. For one reason or another I keep losing my voice, which really worries me as I have a show coming up soon. (If you're reading this then you found it on facebook, there's an event on there with all of the info about my show! COME!!) I'm not sure if I'm simply over working my voice, this show has more belting in it than I've ever done for one production, or if it's something more serious. I don't know what that more serious something would be, but I suppose it's worth going to a throat doctor or something.
This week has been an interesting one. Generally in a good way. Monday was an incredible day, though no one would ever have guessed it from my status on facebook. I talked down my first homophobe and was incredibly proud of myself. I always say that I am proud of who I have become, and it was after I had stood up to him that I realized yet another part of who that person I am is. I am no longer the timid gay boy who apologizes for who he is. When I first came out I was very uncomfortable with it. It's a scary world, people aren't always accepting and they're willing to hurt you to prove it at times. No matter what happens to me I'm proud I am gay, and I don't need everyone to be okay with that to be happy. I may not have the typical family when I grow up but I will have the family that makes me happy.
I leave in about 20 minutes to go down to Lotus, should be a fun evening. Dea and myself are meeting up with Gilbert and his crew as well as Joe and his friend Sarah. Should be an eventful evening. So I suppose this is it for the evening. I'll try and get another post up this weekend. Lets see if I get an audience!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A new way to continue.
I got tired of my livejournal, and as immature and corny as it may be, I have decided to relocate. In doing so I have decided to take a new path with my blogs. The posts I had put up were all too much. Too much of me wining about my problems. While this method used to be theraputic to me I realized that it was not presenting an accurate picture of who I am. I am not a negative person, and I generally don't let my emotions get the best of me.
So here it is, my new blog where I don't bitch and complain about how pathetic things make me feel. I'll try and take Dea's course and post more often, that way if I truely do have a problem I'll just write it out early before I let it get the best of me.
And sadly I'm gonna cut my first blog short hahaha, they're watching Troy in the next room and I'd like to go finish it with them. Will post tomorrow though!!!!
So here it is, my new blog where I don't bitch and complain about how pathetic things make me feel. I'll try and take Dea's course and post more often, that way if I truely do have a problem I'll just write it out early before I let it get the best of me.
And sadly I'm gonna cut my first blog short hahaha, they're watching Troy in the next room and I'd like to go finish it with them. Will post tomorrow though!!!!
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