My Parents' Investment

My family life is, for lack of a better word, interesting right now. I don't worry about writing this kind of stuff in my blog because I know my readers are my close friends and maybe a few other stragglers who find it, which I'm okay with.

There are two major things happening in my family life, the first is my grandmother. She agreed to undergo chemotherapy, but because of her poor health (not including the cancer) she is ineligible for radiation treatment or surgery. All this means that this cancer will kill her, the chemo is just a means to slow down the spreading of the cancer and prolong what time she has left. My aunt is coming into town during the beginning of next month to sort things out with my mother about how the remaining months will be played out. My grandmother cannot live alone for much longer leaving her with few options, move in with my aunt, move in with my parents, or move into a nursing home. I haven't had to deal with the death of someone I knew well since Johnny's death my senior year of high school. It's just weird, the business behind this death... it's something I never had to deal with before. I suppose there might be some kind of peace behind knowing that you're taking care of everything before you go, but knowing that its right around the corner has got to be torture. As if waiting for this wasn't enough for my parents, we have the drama with my younger sister...

Raising children is dangerous... Yeah there's potential that you will raise the perfect child, someone who's compassionate, understanding and just an all around good person. But there's also the chance that something out of your control will turn your child's thoughts and feelings against them. My younger sister was adopted. We first met her when she was 2 years old, the next few years she bounced back and forth between her grandmother and our family, until finally the adoption became final. I remember one night during this time we had a glimpse at some of her less than perfect behavior, and we had a long discussion on whether or not adoption was something our family was really ready for. The four of us ultimately decided that as much as she needed us, we had come to need her too.

Well here we are, over ten years later. My younger sister is concluding her stay in a psych hospital for suicidal teens here in Abq. Her behavior has been spiraling downward over the past year for some reason unknown to us, which pushed her to threaten to kill my parents and herself last week. Here's where I struggle... I consider myself lucky that I haven't had to bare witness to all of this.... and then I think more and realize I consider myself lucky that I do not have to make the decisions on what to do.

My dear friend and former confirmation mentor today told me that your only choice is to love her unconditionally, keep with it, don't give up on her despite all the horrible things she says and does. My parents' have invested a ton in their children, but when can you decide enough is enough, or can you decide that? Jamie has told my parents she is changing her last name back to Lewis after she turns 18, she tells them she hates them, she threatens to kill them and nearly does by grabbing at the steering wheel when they are driving. So how do you keep telling yourself it's not her, it's bipolar disorder? She's obviously a physical threat to herself and those around her.

I don't have an answer for this... I really don't. I don't know how to deal with it as her brother, and cannot imagine what it would be like to be my parents. They keep trying. I'm in awe of them, and unsure how I would react were I in their shoes. How do you love someone unconditionally when every action they do shows that they do not feel the same?

Sorry for this heavy blog. It's not supposed to be heavy with emotion, but rather just a laying out of the things I'm struggling to come up with answers for. I hope to write on something more positive in my next blog.