My Parents' Investment

My family life is, for lack of a better word, interesting right now. I don't worry about writing this kind of stuff in my blog because I know my readers are my close friends and maybe a few other stragglers who find it, which I'm okay with.

There are two major things happening in my family life, the first is my grandmother. She agreed to undergo chemotherapy, but because of her poor health (not including the cancer) she is ineligible for radiation treatment or surgery. All this means that this cancer will kill her, the chemo is just a means to slow down the spreading of the cancer and prolong what time she has left. My aunt is coming into town during the beginning of next month to sort things out with my mother about how the remaining months will be played out. My grandmother cannot live alone for much longer leaving her with few options, move in with my aunt, move in with my parents, or move into a nursing home. I haven't had to deal with the death of someone I knew well since Johnny's death my senior year of high school. It's just weird, the business behind this death... it's something I never had to deal with before. I suppose there might be some kind of peace behind knowing that you're taking care of everything before you go, but knowing that its right around the corner has got to be torture. As if waiting for this wasn't enough for my parents, we have the drama with my younger sister...

Raising children is dangerous... Yeah there's potential that you will raise the perfect child, someone who's compassionate, understanding and just an all around good person. But there's also the chance that something out of your control will turn your child's thoughts and feelings against them. My younger sister was adopted. We first met her when she was 2 years old, the next few years she bounced back and forth between her grandmother and our family, until finally the adoption became final. I remember one night during this time we had a glimpse at some of her less than perfect behavior, and we had a long discussion on whether or not adoption was something our family was really ready for. The four of us ultimately decided that as much as she needed us, we had come to need her too.

Well here we are, over ten years later. My younger sister is concluding her stay in a psych hospital for suicidal teens here in Abq. Her behavior has been spiraling downward over the past year for some reason unknown to us, which pushed her to threaten to kill my parents and herself last week. Here's where I struggle... I consider myself lucky that I haven't had to bare witness to all of this.... and then I think more and realize I consider myself lucky that I do not have to make the decisions on what to do.

My dear friend and former confirmation mentor today told me that your only choice is to love her unconditionally, keep with it, don't give up on her despite all the horrible things she says and does. My parents' have invested a ton in their children, but when can you decide enough is enough, or can you decide that? Jamie has told my parents she is changing her last name back to Lewis after she turns 18, she tells them she hates them, she threatens to kill them and nearly does by grabbing at the steering wheel when they are driving. So how do you keep telling yourself it's not her, it's bipolar disorder? She's obviously a physical threat to herself and those around her.

I don't have an answer for this... I really don't. I don't know how to deal with it as her brother, and cannot imagine what it would be like to be my parents. They keep trying. I'm in awe of them, and unsure how I would react were I in their shoes. How do you love someone unconditionally when every action they do shows that they do not feel the same?

Sorry for this heavy blog. It's not supposed to be heavy with emotion, but rather just a laying out of the things I'm struggling to come up with answers for. I hope to write on something more positive in my next blog.

SORRY!!!

It's been waaaaaaay too long and I'm sorry. To be honest I just haven't felt there's been much to post about, but this will be my attempt.

I deleted my last blog because I had messed with something in the HTML part... woops!It made everything I posted unreadable. I ended it saying that I was going to try something risky in my love life, and well the risk didn't pan out. Things are fine now, as far as I can tell the damage done was minimal. Each one of these failed attempts at dating I feel one step closer to just quitting the dating scene until I move. Possibly a little over a year till I move and I'm still terrified. I'm still struggling with what to do with my living situation next year before the move. Since I will be moving to Denver alone (unless some miracle changes that) I'm trying to decide if it would be best to live alone. Get used to it before I leave all my friends behind.

Next year's musical theatre oppertunities are amazing and I truely can't wait to see what will happen. RENT is a definite and Bare is still in the works, I'm trying to forget about the former for as long as I can. I think too much about RENT and I'll drive myself crazy wanting to just audition already!

Family life is a confusing topic. There was a time when I felt my family was falling apart while I was watching from the outside. While there is still many things to overcome, it seems to be getting better. My grandmother has begun kimo (or however the hell you spell that) and she actually seems to be happier. I don't know what she's going through but it will at least improve her quality of life for some time. My mom does not believe I will have a grandma this time next year, a though that I'm gonna have to learn to accept. As for now, she's alive and seems to be happier than she has been in sometime. As a family we'll take what we can get.

(random thought of hilarity: Listening to Dan Savages podcast right now made me laugh because he ranted for about 4 minutes about how people need to avoid Centaur fetishes. Evidently the Axe Bodywash commercial is having some very strange effects on people.... wooooow)

But yeah, I'm alive. Have my ups, have my downs. Generally I sit in the middle watching things go by. I'm certainly ready for some positive change in my life. Though I will say, I called it when I said 2009 would be better than its predecessor. Things are a hell of a lot better than they were, and I'm looking forward to see where this year will go!