Fuck Off 2012!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I’m writing this while sitting on the top bunk of a sleeper car room on a Chicago bound Amtrak train. It’s Christmas. The first Christmas I’ve spent as a single man in 4 years. While I could be spending this time being reminiscent of the love that I had and lost, my mind is elsewhere.

2012 has been an interesting year. I had come to view this year as the year that everything ended. The world did not end as predicted (surprise) but it seems like it’s been a year for many people to say goodbye to important parts of their lives and learn to deal with what those endings mean. Change was a major theme this year, and I certainly wasn’t spared from that.

While I look back and remember the year of endings, I also have to remember the other huge changes that have occurred. I am officially a P90X grad! I know I am supposed to post a blog dedicated to my completion of that goal, but time got in the way. For the first time in my life I am happy with my body! It’s not “perfect” but I feel damn good about myself. I’m starting Insanity on January 1st and can’t wait to see the progress I make over those 60 days!

I also found a new level of independence this past year. Obviously I was forced to find independence following the break up, but I was amazed at how easily that came. I learned to limit myself a little better regarding who I trust. I had a major struggle, but came out the other end a more confident and more guarded person. I am so excited to start exploring new parts of myself in the months to come and following my move.

So here we go... saying goodbye to another year. A year that started out with great promise, but led to more struggle than I’ve faced in a very long time. So fuck off 2012! Bring on 2013, a year of new beginnings, of new cities and new adventures with new friends, of a renewed and recharged me.

Something Amazing Happened...

Something amazing happened the other day. I posted that picture of myself on this blog and it started a chain reaction of huge shifts in the way I am feeling about life.

I posted the picture (read my previous blog if you haven't already!) and a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt fantastic about myself, and I did that all by myself. I'm the one who pushed play, I'm the one who committed myself to getting in shape and succeeded. The first time I did P90X was 3 years ago, I was single and had the drive to get 2/3 through the program on my own. During the 2.5 years I was in a relationship we tried as a couple to get fit several times, but always failed. I did it on my own now.

Being with Gilbert was a huge hit on my confidence. I didn't deal with his success very well, and he didn't deal with what his local fame did to me very well. We were both unfair to each other when it came to this topic, but the end result for me was greater insecurity.

Since he broke up with me I've spent my time being angry with him, feeling rejected by my friends, and feeling sad about where my life has led me. Posting that blog changed everything. I realized I've always been better without Gilbert. He may have made me happy, but I've always been a better person when I wasn't in a relationship with him. Realizing this made all the negative feelings wash away. I'm no longer mad at him. I'm no longer sad about where my life is. I'm actually really happy with where I'm at. I can't wait to move, make new friends, and start dating again. My confidence has flocked back to me in ways I've never experienced before.

It's cheesy, but I feel like a new person. One without the emotional baggage from my past. A person who is sure of himself and ready for the next adventure that's just beyond the horizon.

Just something quick.

Okay. So I have a call back today. This will be a challenging call back for several reasons, but I'm forgetting those for a few seconds to post a blog on something else.

It is day 75 of P90X. Today I did Legs and Back for the second to last time. All these workouts are still really challenging, which is great! I'm honestly going to miss this program when I finish!

But given that I'm only slightly over 2 weeks from being finished I'm not going to delve too much into how its going or how I'm feeling. Instead I'm going to do something that is honestly a huge step for me.

The first time I did this program I kept saying I'd post results pics, and I never did. I was never confident in how things were going. Even this round I've been hesitant, my old insecurities still swarming around my head. Today, while getting ready in the mirror I was able to overcome those insecurities. So today I post my first results picture from P90X! This isn't about what the program has done for me as of right now, this is about me finally overcoming a huge problem I've faced for far too long. I'm happy. :-D!

2 more weeks to go, and my fitness journey doesn't stop there! Here I come Insanity!!