Weak/Vulnerable

I had meant to post this earlier, but time got away from me. So it may end up being a shorter post than I had expected.

Fall break was interesting. I don't want this to belittle the amazing time I had, but it became a weekend full of a great deal of reflection for me. Mostly to do with how often I leave myself open to feel something other than happiness.

During the car ride up to Boulder Nate, Jess and Gilbert told me that they know I don't open up to them, that I have my walls that they don't see behind. This started the reflection. I let the moment pass, letting them in on a time in my life when I wasn't so happy, but I still kept up the defense.

On the way home, I received news that my dad had had a seizure and was being taken to the hospital for tests. My mind raced back to the time a little over a year ago when he was in the hospital for a few weeks due to similar occurrences that turned out to be caused by an abscess on his brain. My heart raced, my head swam with the worst possible outcomes for this situation, but I didn't tell my three very close friends who I was with that anything had happened.

When my father was in the hospital last year, I became a person my mom could rely on. I didn't show my distress in front of her, or in front of anyone for that matter. I cried twice when things weren't looking too good, and haven't cried a single tear since then. Because I had to be strong for my mother, I disallowed myself to be vulnerable.

I didn't realize it until tonight, when I finally got to talk about the thoughts I had been having all weekend with a someone, but I have always viewed being vulnerable as being "weak". I maintain a calm demeanor and an unaffected expression when faced with serious troubles, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to feel anything. I don't know if this is simply bottling up so many emotions that will simply explode one day, or if everything just disappears. It scares me that I am not comfortable enough to treat any of these amazing people around me as the outlet to for that emotion.

My date this weekend, while one of the best first dates I've ever had, is not going to be turning into anything serious.(not even a "string" for those of you who know what that means) And I'm okay with that, it's for the best, but it got me down for a while after it happened. I think I now know why I put so much stock in these "threads". The last person I was able to be vulnerable for was Lee. Something about a long-term committed relationship, allowed me to show my emotions. So I long to find a connection like that again, and until today when I thought it through, I thought I could only find it in a relationship. During last years craziness, I was so close to calling Lee just to be able to released the emotions I was holding in. I didn't.

I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. So I don't tell anyone about them, I don't tell how I'm feeling. I put on a happy face, or I clam up and don't say a thing.

I'm fixing that. I'm going to make an effort to let the gates open up for my friends, for the people who love me, and who want to be there for me. It won't be the whole river that comes out at first, but even allowing a trickle might help.

As a last minute note, my dad is fine now. He's back at home with new meds. Nothing irregular showed up on the CT scan, it's most likely a result of the scarred tissue on his brain from the last time.