Proven Wrong

I'm not a very confident person. I don't think I'm all that attractive, I know I come off as a jerk when people first meet me, and I know I suck at small talk making it difficult for new people to begin to enjoy my company... Every once in a blue moon though (perfect use of this saying), something happens that forces me to forget all of that.

 This weekend was one of those times. I started off feeling very alone, it was my first time traveling being newly single.  I had to drive several hours on my own, was left alone for the majority of the first day to explore some of Denver on my own, and went to the lottery for Book of Mormon on my own. Was pretty rough... I had some great times with some folks I haven't seen in a while, but afterwards I was left alone again.

Then I landed in Boulder. Dea and I had sadly grown apart over the past few years, which is something that happens when friends move apart. More significantly however, this is something that can happen when one friend loses sight of his priorities, and how important it is to hold onto the important friendships that made him who he is. I'm sorry for that. But amazingly enough, things fell right back into place!!!! It was so amazing to hang out with Dea and Ryan again! 

The second night I was in Boulder, my hosts had to work a drag show taking place at the theatre they worked for, being that I had nothing else to do in Boulder I went along to watch the show. This quickly turned into the best decision I could have made shortly after a break up.

We showed up several hours early as they had to set up before the show. I sat with my Nook on one of the couches in the lobby. Pretty soon the volunteers for the organization producing the show began to show up... and ERMAGERD there were some lookers in the bunch! I didn't move at first and one of the cute volunteers sat down next to me, thinking I was a volunteer as well. I told him I wasn't and that I should move to let them have the couches. This led to us chatting for a while until it was clear I needed to let the volunteers get briefed on what they'd be doing. 

I moved to a different area of the lobby and ended up having a really nice conversation with Ryan which proved to me that I wasn't alone in feeling like I had no clue what I was going to do with my BA in theatre, made me feel much better for that! Every time I'd look back to where the volunteers were sitting I'd either catch eyes with the guy who I had talked to, or I'd catch a pair of really cute guys looking at me and talking to one another. 

The night carried on in basically the same way the entire night. I met several guys, flirted like crazy, and all in all had a night that made me feel spectacular about myself. I rarely feel attractive, but being in a new crowd of gay people (and looking pretty slick I must admit) made me feel like I was a catch!

I kept talking to that first guy throughout the night. When the night was coming to an end he came up to me, said goodnight, that it was nice to meet me, and left. Dea, who was with me, said she was disappointed because she thought for sure he'd have tried to at least go out for drinks with us afterwards. I agreed with her, but ultimately wasn't too upset. I lived far away so there wouldn't be anything serious between us anyways. I was just so thrilled to have spent the entire night knowing that guys find me attractive!

A few minutes later he came back in, walked right up to me, and asked for my number. A few hours after that a date was planned and I had officially been proven wrong. I am attractive, I can come off as a really sweet but timid guy, and when needed I can make small talk that makes people enjoy being around me and want to get to know more. I'm happy being me, and this all couldn't have come at a better time! 

Moving forward. Moving on.

I'm getting there. Every day I'm feeling better and better about where I'm at with this whole break up thing.

Currently I'm sitting in John and Arielle's living room in Denver. It's been a long time since I drove up here on my own. While it would have been nice to have someone along for the ride, it helped me to re-realize that I can do okay on my own. The whole process is working to get me ready for my move.

So I'm giving myself deadlines! As I said in the last blog, on June 22nd I will be moving. I haven't decided where yet, but I'm going to set a date that I have to decide by, December 22nd. I figure six months with a city in mind will give me enough time to get ready for the move!

I'm honing in on a more specific purpose for this blog. As soon as I do these simple updates will become less of what this blog is about. So stay tuned! Hopefully this will be an entertaining read again soon!

Mostly just wanted to put some dates out there in the universe with this one! Off to explore Denver!

Picking Up the Pieces

When I started this blog a few years ago I said that I wouldn't use it for negative posts, or mopey posts, and to some degree I've fallen into that again. Given my most recent situation it's understandable, but even before that I had some downer posts. This blog may have some degree of that, but this will be the of it's kind.

So I've moved. Joe opened up a room to me and I moved in a week ago. I'm all set up but not settled. I'm still getting used to being in a bed by myself. Add into that all of the dreams I keep having about Gilbert breaking up with me all over again and you have a pretty difficult past week. It's just the struggle of moving forward, and I know I'll get over it, but for now... it kinda sucks.

I started my school job again last week! So two jobs are now occupying the majority of my time, couldn't have happened at a better time. No shows in sight as of now, but they'll come! I'm also planning trips to Chicago and Denver to try and figure out where I wanna ultimately move.

I've set a moving date. June 22nd. I have to move by that date or earlier. I decided that if I don't set a date to work towards I'd keep coming up with reasons to not move yet.

I have so much opportunity in front of me, and I honestly am excited to see where life takes me! I'm sad I'll be doing it on my own again, but I guess that just means there's more opportunity for a different future.

So that's where I'm at these days. Working on becoming optimistic about the road ahead, and getting better at it every day. I have been so lucky to have amazing friends and parents to support me, definitely made this life shift significantly easier.

So thank you all! The next post will be much more positive. I promise!

A Change of Plans

I watched a movie recently called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. In it a character says "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." I've come into a struggle as of late and I've chosen to take this on as my mantra to get through it.

Gilbert and I have broken up, and while my heart is in pieces on the floor, I'm trying to be positive. The time finally came for us to face the fact that we couldn't give what each other needed. There were other problems that lead up to the final moments, most of which I'll accept the fault for, but the biggest issue that always waited for us to face was that.

We're ending on really good terms. He's my best friend, I'd hate myself if I ruined our friendship. It's going to take a while to get back to it, but I know we'll still be close when all is said and done.

I wouldn't give up the past 2.5 years for anything. I had an amazing time, made some amazing memories, and learned some surprising things about myself. Most notably that I am capable of truly opening up to someone.

I will always love Gilbert. I will always think back fondly to the incredible adventure that our relationship was. I have a hard few months ahead of me, picking up the pieces when your life falls apart is never easy, but I know I'll be the better for it all in the end. Gilbert has changed my life.



For you Bany. I hope you find happiness. You're destined for some amazing things, I can't wait to be there cheering you on as you achieve your dreams. Thank you for giving me the time we had together.

My Goodbye NM list!

Alrighty folks! I'm leaving NM in a little less than a year and I had the thought "I need to do everything essentially New Mexican before I go!" I asked for your suggestions, and here is the list! This can alway be added to, but for now this is what I've got!

1. Go to Worship at CLC in Santa Fe
2. Bandelier National Monument
3. Carlsbad Caverns, see the bats leave at night
4. White sands, 
5. Warm springs in jemez at night
6. Ski Santa Fe in autumn with my Parents
7. Pie Festival, Pie Town, NM.
8. Spend some time in Taos and eat at Guadalajara Grill
9. Get a green chili burger from Bobcat Bit
10. Zozobra
11. Roswell Alien Museum
12. Camp in the Jemez
13. Go to the Balloon Fiesta, try to be on a chase crew.
14. Have lunch and a "Lava-Lamp" on the patio at the Coyote Cafe
15. Sopapilla Burger at Casa De Benevides on the patio
16. Compete in the Alibi’s Scavenger Hunt
17. Try to eat an entire Travis at K&I Diner
18. Old Town Ghost Tour
19. Hike/Camp in Chaco Canyon
20. See The NRAO Very Large Array
21. Find a perfect place for stargazing
22. Stargaze often
23. Find a perfect place to see the sunsets
24. Make many trips to see the sunsets
25. Eat green chile as often as possible and in as many different ways available.
26. Cook dinner with my dad at their home in Santa Fe
27. Hike the entire La Luz Trail
28. Ride the Tram
29. Spend several evenings at the river with people I love
30. Spend several evenings at the Golf course with people I love 

So there we go! Several of these involve eating meat, so Gilbert and Jessica will be the ones enjoying those. I'll find something else to eat the the restaurants suggested! I have already finished two of these goals, and I will do a new post detailing that experience soon! But this is the list. Thank you guys for helping me. I'll be posting a blog for each one I finish.

Oh What A Night.

An awkward evening leads to a blog post. Probably not the best state of mind to be posting a life update, yet here I am.

Legally Blonde is over, and I'm gonna miss it. I had hoped that Legally Blonde would be a sort of "comeback", and while it did give me that sensation for a great deal of the time I learned by the end that I'm not "there." I had 2 performances where I'd say I was thoroughly unhappy with the work I did. Both times I'm accrediting to illness of some sort, but they were still situations that I was clearly unprepared for as a performer. So, still work to be done there.

At the end of this I'm left questioning myself, once again. And with New York 1 year away I'm beginning to panic. Is this the right path? Is New York really where I should be going? Am I really good enough to make this my career? If I'm not, what do I do then?

I have come to accept that I'm going through a "Quarter-life Crisis." I will be the first to admit that the entire concept is rather silly, and yet I feel it's an adequate way to express my state of mind. I'm 2 years out of college and I am no closer to having any sort of clue what my life will be. Everything feels uncertain and lacking permanence.

I'm stressed, and am sadly taking it out in ways I shouldn't. I'm being far too dramatic for my own good these days, and poor Gilbert is having to deal with it all. Hopefully I'll find a solution soon... Though this is an odd occurrence. I at least have to find a way to deal with it healthier.

So here's the deal, I missed my April blog, so I owe 2 this month. So I will post again before the month is out, but it will be a more positive post. I will not wallow in this mood forever, and I will not subject the people who care enough about me to read this blog to that.

D'OH!!!

As Dea pointed out on Facebook... I failed in my goal of posting every month... Crap! So here's March's blog 1 day late.

LEGALLY BLONDE!!!!
My life is consumed by 2 jobs and a show, but I'm really enjoying it! Legally Blonde is looking like a really amazing production. The cast is so strong that it was destined to be a great show from the beginning. I've also felt more accomplished in this role than I have in any role since RENT. I'm loving it, and am actually excited for people to see it. My voice lessons with Donna continue to be a huge help as well. All this can be summed up by saying that I feel I'm becoming a strong performer again. I've been doubting myself for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to be confident in what I'm doing. The major change this time is that I know my limits a bit more, and understand that I'm not perfect. High School gave me an inflated opinion of myself, and college along with the years that followed has helped to rid me of that.

Next we have work! Only a few weeks more of the Tax job, which is gonna make things a little financially rough. I've been pretty good about saving since I've started working the second job. And while it eliminates any free time, saving needs to be my focus over the next year. This has led me to the conclusion that I need to have a second job until we leave. I'm going to see if Tomato Cafe will hire me back over the summer, and if they will I'll probably stay there until next tax season rolls around. Don't wanna, but I need the money!

As for the other job, it has it's ups and downs. I love some of the people I work with, but have an ever growing list of problems with a few others. Luckily there are only two more months before I get a nice vacation, followed by a school year that I hope will be much more enjoyable.

Now I'm gonna brag a bit... THIS IS THE BEST YEAR EVER!! I'm officially going on 3 major vacations, and there are talks of another one at the end of the year. Gilbert and I joined my parents and sister (with husband in tow) to New Orleans over spring break. Was so much fun! It was great to spend time with all of them as I rarely see them. Next up is a family trip with Gilbert's folks. We'll be going to Disneyland and Vegas as the end of May. I wasn't sure I could do it, but Gilbert and my parent's basically told me I had to go! So I'm going! And then of course we have Europe in July! So many trips in one year! Truly is the perfect way to spend my last year in NM.

So there we go... My update for now. I haven't worked on developing my cabaret at all, but I've been too busy. However the progress I feel I've made vocally will make it much easier to put it all together.

I will update before the end of April... Otherwise I don't know what Dea will do... O_O